In early 2005 I was going through challenges with my now ex-wife and one of my 2 stepsons was very sick - he underwent dialysis twice a week. His doctor wanted him doing it more but he couldn't handle it.
His Mom asked me to go to the hospital with him on Fridays so he wouldn't be alone.
I agreed - but I was reluctant. I didn't want to leave work early because I was concerned my boss would hold my leaving early against me later. Plus, I don't like being in hospitals; I think they're depressing.
So I left work at the last minute, barely making it home for the ambulance ride and not knowing what to do with a boy who was thorny, rude, cranky and angry from being tired of his ailment and scared of dying.
At first, I looked at my hospital visit as an opportunity to get some sleep in the visitor's waiting room - his stay was from 5pm until 10pm. Even though I was there, he was by himself most of the time with the nurses and the machines.
Then one morning, he walked past me in our kitchen and said, "Good Morning". He stood there for a moment looking "into space". Then he smiled and walked away.
And everything changed.
It was a nothing moment - except in THAT moment, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING HIM!
It felt like he entered me spiritually.
I became very sad. In that moment, I was 10 years old with failed kidneys. I hated the medication and the rides and everyone telling me what to do, what to eat, how to act. I was doing the best I could to deal with my ailment and nobody knew it.
WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
The moment was fleeting but I remember it like it just happened.
From that point on, I made it my business to be there for him. It was an honor and a pleasure.
I began thinking - what would I want if I were him? Then, I remembered he liked games. He loved video games but you can't take them to a hospital because it may interfere with the equipment. So I taught him a REAL game - Poker.
We had a blast!
He learned quickly. I never LET him win - if he won, he earned it. We talked trash and cheated alot.
Friday night became Poker Night.
Poker Night kept his mind off his pain, worry, fear and anguish.
That was good.
Throughout the year, my stepson had damaged his dialysis entry points. He'd damage them while sleeping or playing or something.
In the summer of 2005 he damaged his last one.
That was not good.
He was immediately placed on an emergency transplant list. He wouldn't live past 3 weeks - tops - without new kidneys.
This happened on a Friday.
The following Tuesday, I got a call from his Mom telling me he was getting his transplant that night. I was and still am a proud member of an MDI Men's Team and I was 15 minutes away from our weekly Team Meeting.
I immediately wanted to go to the hospital but I gave my word to be at the Team Meeting because we give our word to be at Team Meetings.
So, I went to the Team Meeting.
When I got there, I told them what happened. I told them I didn't want to leave the meeting and asked them to come with me to the hospital. I wanted my Team with me.
In 10 minutes, we were driving from Park Slope, Brooklyn to Upper Manhattan.
I was so touched, I cried for half the trip.
We got to the hospital around 9pm and went to the visitors' area. My stepson and the rest of the family were there.
After exchanging pleasantries we played - what else? - Poker!
This 10 year old kid was playing Poker with 5 men he'd never met, talking much trash and winning hand after hand. He fit in so well we let him be in charge.
For about 100 minutes he forgot he was about to have kidney transplant surgery.
We all forgot he was about to have kidney transplant surgery.
At 11:00pm, the Team had to leave.
At 11:15pm, he was summoned to begin preparation for surgery. That's when he remembered he was going into surgery.
10 year olds aren't as good at hiding their feelings as grownups. He looked so sad and scared as they wheeled him away.
8 hours later, the surgery was a success.
He spent another 2 weeks in intensive care to monitor his health. During that time, he was even more thorny, rude, cranky and angry but I didn't care. I just wanted to take care of him.
What I learned is that we can see past others' pain and fears and find the true person underneath - but only when we put ourselves in their shoes. We can't put ourselves in their shoes if we're only thinking about ourselves,
As soon as I stopped thinking about me and began thinking about my stepson, I could Love him without expecting anything in return. As soon as my Men's Team put themselves in my and my stepsons' shoes they made a huge difference.
It seems to me that Love is only Love when I don't want, need or expect anything in return. Love is only Love when it's given away.
Just like a smile, if you see someone without Love, give them some of yours.
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