Playing Poker

In early 2005 I was going through challenges with my now ex-wife and one of my 2 stepsons was very sick - he underwent dialysis twice a week. His doctor wanted him doing it more but he couldn't handle it.

His Mom asked me to go to the hospital with him on Fridays so he wouldn't be alone.

I agreed - but I was reluctant. I didn't want to leave work early because I was concerned my boss would hold my leaving early against me later. Plus, I don't like being in hospitals; I think they're depressing.

So I left work at the last minute, barely making it home for the ambulance ride and not knowing what to do with a boy who was thorny, rude, cranky and angry from being tired of his ailment and scared of dying.

At first, I looked at my hospital visit as an opportunity to get some sleep in the visitor's waiting room - his stay was from 5pm until 10pm. Even though I was there, he was by himself most of the time with the nurses and the machines.

Then one morning, he walked past me in our kitchen and said, "Good Morning". He stood there for a moment looking "into space". Then he smiled and walked away.

And everything changed.

It was a nothing moment - except in THAT moment, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING HIM!

It felt like he entered me spiritually.

I became very sad. In that moment, I was 10 years old with failed kidneys. I hated the medication and the rides and everyone telling me what to do, what to eat, how to act. I was doing the best I could to deal with my ailment and nobody knew it.

WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

The moment was fleeting but I remember it like it just happened.

From that point on, I made it my business to be there for him. It was an honor and a pleasure.

I began thinking - what would I want if I were him? Then, I remembered he liked games. He loved video games but you can't take them to a hospital because it may interfere with the equipment. So I taught him a REAL game - Poker.

We had a blast!

He learned quickly. I never LET him win - if he won, he earned it. We talked trash and cheated alot.

Friday night became Poker Night.

Poker Night kept his mind off his pain, worry, fear and anguish.

That was good.

Throughout the year, my stepson had damaged his dialysis entry points. He'd damage them while sleeping or playing or something.

In the summer of 2005 he damaged his last one.

That was not good.

He was immediately placed on an emergency transplant list. He wouldn't live past 3 weeks - tops - without new kidneys.

This happened on a Friday.

The following Tuesday, I got a call from his Mom telling me he was getting his transplant that night. I was and still am a proud member of an MDI Men's Team and I was 15 minutes away from our weekly Team Meeting.

I immediately wanted to go to the hospital but I gave my word to be at the Team Meeting because we give our word to be at Team Meetings.

So, I went to the Team Meeting.

When I got there, I told them what happened. I told them I didn't want to leave the meeting and asked them to come with me to the hospital. I wanted my Team with me.

In 10 minutes, we were driving from Park Slope, Brooklyn to Upper Manhattan.

I was so touched, I cried for half the trip.

We got to the hospital around 9pm and went to the visitors' area. My stepson and the rest of the family were there.

After exchanging pleasantries we played - what else? - Poker!

This 10 year old kid was playing Poker with 5 men he'd never met, talking much trash and winning hand after hand. He fit in so well we let him be in charge.

For about 100 minutes he forgot he was about to have kidney transplant surgery.

We all forgot he was about to have kidney transplant surgery.

At 11:00pm, the Team had to leave.

At 11:15pm, he was summoned to begin preparation for surgery. That's when he remembered he was going into surgery.

10 year olds aren't as good at hiding their feelings as grownups. He looked so sad and scared as they wheeled him away.

8 hours later, the surgery was a success.

He spent another 2 weeks in intensive care to monitor his health. During that time, he was even more thorny, rude, cranky and angry but I didn't care. I just wanted to take care of him.

What I learned is that we can see past others' pain and fears and find the true person underneath - but only when we put ourselves in their shoes. We can't put ourselves in their shoes if we're only thinking about ourselves,

As soon as I stopped thinking about me and began thinking about my stepson, I could Love him without expecting anything in return. As soon as my Men's Team put themselves in my and my stepsons' shoes they made a huge difference.

It seems to me that Love is only Love when I don't want, need or expect anything in return. Love is only Love when it's given away.

Just like a smile, if you see someone without Love, give them some of yours.

What My Dad Taught Me About Love

My Dad’s name is Philip Anthony Vear Senior. He wanted to be called Tony his whole life. He thought Tony was so much cooler than Phil. So his friends called him ‘Fast Phil’ because he was the 1st one to start something - usually, trouble. He was and still is a true character.

But as a junior, I got to be called Tony. I’ve been Tony with family since I first came home from the hospital. Everywhere else I was Philip or Phil - right up until I participated in a seminar in 1999. While registering, they asked what name I like to be called. I wrote “Tony”. With a “Tony” name tag, people just meeting me knew me only as Tony. After 9 years, people are surprised to find out my given name is Philip. (how about you?)

Like most kids, I focused on all the things I thought were messed up about my Dad and had a running list I could pull up at a moment’s notice. (Not like anyone reading this ever did that.)

In 1999, I had a clothing store and my Dad worked with me there. I didn’t know squat but I was determined to be a successful businessman and he wanted to be a part of it. The man is PROUD of me, just because!!

In time, my inexperience was killing me. My business was sinking, savings disappearing and investments caught in the DOT.BOMB bubble burst. Other than that, everything was fine!!

I was visiting him at his home and told him about the situation.

I wanted him to help me stop the bleeding of my company. I wanted him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to tell me who I need to talk with to make everything better. I wanted him to give me money. I wanted him to tell me who to get money from. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him TO DO SOMETHING!!

I WANTED HIM TO BE MY DAD!!

I screamed. I yelled. I cursed him out. I said, “You can’t do anything for me, can you? You never did anything for me. I can’t get advice. I can’t get money. I can’t get any of your friends to help me ‘cause your friends don’t know crap. What good are you?” I was brutal.

Then I raised my fist to hit him. My Dad is 5 inches shorter, 80 lbs lighter and 21 years older than me. It was not going to go well for him.

Just before I started to swing, I happened to look him deep in his eyes…and I was stunned.

He didn’t raise his hands. He didn’t even brace himself for it. He just stood there.

He was going to let me hit him.

He didn’t say a word. His eyes did all the talking.

They said, “Son, you’re right. I can’t do anything for you. I never really did. But I still love you. I love you so much, if you need to kill me right here to make things better I’ll gladly let you.”

My Dad was absolutely willing to give his life if it meant my happiness because that’s all he had to give.

In that eye locked instant, I stopped, looked and began crying - sobbing deeply and profusely. I then began telling him what was really bothering me about my life. I wasn’t really mad at him. I mean, I was, but not like that.

In that moment I realized 2 things. My Dad didn’t have anything to give me but Love - and that’s enough. And, you can’t look a person deeply in their eyes and not Love them. You just will.

When you look someone deeply in their eyes and do not resist, deflect or squirm, you see that person completely and you find that, to borrow a phrase I learned in a seminar, “Who they are is you, cleverly disguised as them.”

Love is always, already there. You just have to look for it.

Now, my Dad can do no wrong. He is so far from perfect the word may as well be on another planet. He talks too much. (look who’s talking! lol.) He’s got more problems than a U.S. President. But I don’t care - I know that in the bottom of his heart, from the beginning to the end of time, my Dad LOVES me. To me, that’s the greatest thing he’s ever given me.

And, it’s enough.