Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

Recently, I was a volunteer at a 3 day Men’s Empowerment course. The course is both conversational and experiential and is intended to introduce Mature Masculinity and Legacy to the participants.

The course delivers - men of all ages grew up last weekend.

Including me.

During one of the exercises, men were invited to share their past.

One man shared about being publicly rejected in a particularly painful manner.

As he shared his story, I became less and less able to hear him. I felt a deep, immediate sadness followed by uncontrollable crying. I couldn’t hold it back.

It took a moment to realize what I was crying about - but when I did, I was shocked.

I was crying over a conversation that happened 29 years ago.

The conversation occurred when I was hanging out with my high school sweetheart, her best friend and her boyfriend. During this particular conversation I said - in an assumptive, matter-of-fact manner, “So when we get married…”

She interrupted me by saying, “Oh, no - I’m not getting married anytime soon!”

WHAT???

I was crushed.

I just assumed we were getting married in a few years.

I looked at her and thought, “We’ve been inseparable for 3 years! We get along great! We love each other! We’ve never even had an argument! What else are we gonna do? If we ain’t getting married, what’s the point in being together?”

I didn’t realize “anytime soon” didn’t mean “never” until years later.

When she said that, I immediately went numb. It happened so quick, I didn’t even know I did that until hearing that man’s story.

We talked about it afterwards but I never recovered.

That conversation and the next 29 years instantly and completely flashed before my eyes while he shared.

I’ve often thought about that moment because - in retrospect - that was the end of the relationship. It took another 18 months for us to completely stop seeing each other but like the Titanic, it was over at the moment of impact.

Neither of us knew that at the time - especially me.

From that point on, I made sure that women were head over heels about me before I made a move because I wasn’t giving my heart over to someone and have it broken again.

Nope, nope, nope!

If I met someone I thought I COULD love, I wouldn’t let myself be caught dead in her vicinity and if she wasn’t working hard to get with me it was never going to happen.

I’ve shared this story with people in my life over the years. I was saddened by it but it was just another sad thing that happened to me. I didn’t feel the pain until he started talking.

It’s a good thing I felt the pain before I knew why I felt it. If the pain had not snuck up on me like that, it may have been buried for another 29 years. I certainly wasn’t looking for it or trying to work on it because again, I didn’t know it was there.

It was bad enough that I didn’t know how deeply that incident hurt me. What was worse was how that incident invisibly controlled my entire life.

I cried because I realized I’d never be happy unless I stopped believing I had to get rid of people before they got rid of me.

I cried because I realized I’d never be successful as long as I settled for less than my highest desires.

I cried because I realized how much I sold myself out to avoid pain - I’d rather be numb than hurt. In the process, I’d never really live - I’d die with my music in me, unplayed.

I don’t know if I ever would’ve released the pain I felt from that conversation if I didn’t give myself over in service to men committed to being the best they can be. I probably would’ve been doing whatever I was doing the last 29 years that kept this pain hidden from my view.

What I do know is that I now have one less obstacle in my way on the path to a life of Love, Success and Happiness.

It’s taken me a long time to Love myself. Some people never do. I know that if I didn’t Love myself I would never have the courage to risk again.

It’s been said that the higher the risk, the greater the reward.

Living scared is not really living.

There’s no Love in Fear.

What My Dad Taught Me About Love

My Dad’s name is Philip Anthony Vear Senior. He wanted to be called Tony his whole life. He thought Tony was so much cooler than Phil. So his friends called him ‘Fast Phil’ because he was the 1st one to start something - usually, trouble. He was and still is a true character.

But as a junior, I got to be called Tony. I’ve been Tony with family since I first came home from the hospital. Everywhere else I was Philip or Phil - right up until I participated in a seminar in 1999. While registering, they asked what name I like to be called. I wrote “Tony”. With a “Tony” name tag, people just meeting me knew me only as Tony. After 9 years, people are surprised to find out my given name is Philip. (how about you?)

Like most kids, I focused on all the things I thought were messed up about my Dad and had a running list I could pull up at a moment’s notice. (Not like anyone reading this ever did that.)

In 1999, I had a clothing store and my Dad worked with me there. I didn’t know squat but I was determined to be a successful businessman and he wanted to be a part of it. The man is PROUD of me, just because!!

In time, my inexperience was killing me. My business was sinking, savings disappearing and investments caught in the DOT.BOMB bubble burst. Other than that, everything was fine!!

I was visiting him at his home and told him about the situation.

I wanted him to help me stop the bleeding of my company. I wanted him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to tell me who I need to talk with to make everything better. I wanted him to give me money. I wanted him to tell me who to get money from. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him TO DO SOMETHING!!

I WANTED HIM TO BE MY DAD!!

I screamed. I yelled. I cursed him out. I said, “You can’t do anything for me, can you? You never did anything for me. I can’t get advice. I can’t get money. I can’t get any of your friends to help me ‘cause your friends don’t know crap. What good are you?” I was brutal.

Then I raised my fist to hit him. My Dad is 5 inches shorter, 80 lbs lighter and 21 years older than me. It was not going to go well for him.

Just before I started to swing, I happened to look him deep in his eyes…and I was stunned.

He didn’t raise his hands. He didn’t even brace himself for it. He just stood there.

He was going to let me hit him.

He didn’t say a word. His eyes did all the talking.

They said, “Son, you’re right. I can’t do anything for you. I never really did. But I still love you. I love you so much, if you need to kill me right here to make things better I’ll gladly let you.”

My Dad was absolutely willing to give his life if it meant my happiness because that’s all he had to give.

In that eye locked instant, I stopped, looked and began crying - sobbing deeply and profusely. I then began telling him what was really bothering me about my life. I wasn’t really mad at him. I mean, I was, but not like that.

In that moment I realized 2 things. My Dad didn’t have anything to give me but Love - and that’s enough. And, you can’t look a person deeply in their eyes and not Love them. You just will.

When you look someone deeply in their eyes and do not resist, deflect or squirm, you see that person completely and you find that, to borrow a phrase I learned in a seminar, “Who they are is you, cleverly disguised as them.”

Love is always, already there. You just have to look for it.

Now, my Dad can do no wrong. He is so far from perfect the word may as well be on another planet. He talks too much. (look who’s talking! lol.) He’s got more problems than a U.S. President. But I don’t care - I know that in the bottom of his heart, from the beginning to the end of time, my Dad LOVES me. To me, that’s the greatest thing he’s ever given me.

And, it’s enough.

What Does Love Mean to Me?

The short answer is, Love means everything to me. It means Life. It means Health. It means Vitality. It means Freedom and Joy and Happiness and Safety and Self Expression. It means the highest forms of Being, Doing and Having possible and available to me and the entire Human Race.

It also means Romance. It means Sex. It means Friendship and Camaraderie and Partnership and Humanitarianism and World Peace.

On a deeper level, Love is Who I Am and Who I Be; who I’m being. To me, Love is a created phenomenon. It’s a choice. I choose to Love and be Loved. I choose to give and receive Love. I choose who, what, when, where, how and why to Love.

It is my responsibility to Love and be Loved.

I wake up every day and go to bed every night with the absolute intention of choosing Love. However, when undesirable incidents occur during my day, I don’t always stay “In Love” but I keep choosing to remember what I’m committed to.

One of my pet peeves is clogged aisles in a store by customers so absorbed by what they’re pondering I have to walk down another aisle to get what I want. I dislike that because if that was me I would move for them - they ain’t fair!

Another one is when I’m carrying a cold drink and the slow person in front of me at the cash register hogs up the entire counter so I can’t put my drink down while waiting for them to finish. My hands get colder - I really, really dislike that!

But I’m not committed to making people wrong because there’s no Love in it.

In those moments, I forget I CAN Love that they’re in that aisle falling in Love with what they’re paying attention to. I forget that I CAN Love their ability to focus. I forget that I CAN Love how they can afford to shop at that store. I forget that I CAN Love how they take care of their well being.

I have to remind myself to ask this simple question: What could I find in this situation to authentically Love - right here, right now?

It’s amazing how the brain finds answers to any question we give it.

I can Love my family. I can Love strangers. I can Love people I don’t know. I can Love people that dislike me. I can Love my foibles and weaknesses.

I can Love you.

And, I do.

Because I choose to.

Who needs chemistry?

Why Look at Life with Eyes of Love?

What kind of question is that?

Well, it’s the kind of question one would ask if they were committed to a life of personal happiness, fulfillment, freedom, joy - every feeling, experience and result they’ve always wanted. It’s the kind of question that has one be the author of their life rather than a victim of other people, circumstances or the world at large. It’s the kind of question someone would ask if they ever thought, “If life isn’t working for every single person, then how can life be working for me, really?”

Think about it - if my life is working but yours is not, I don’t have access to the benefit of your blessings and gifts and neither do you.

We have no idea how far along the Human Race could be if we had a culture where everyone wins or no one wins.

If I’m happy and you’re not I have 3 choices: help you be happy, leave you alone in your unhappiness or join you in being unhappy. If you can think of any other options let me know.

Here’s what I do know: only 1 of those options works for us both.

What does the question, “Why look at life with eyes of Love” mean?

It means looking for and seeing the love in every person, place, thing and especially every experience. It means consciously listening for the Love in every aspect of Life with our mind rather than just our ears. It means creating Love rather than waiting for Love to “descend” upon or “happen” to us. It means relating to “Love” as a Verb rather than an Adjective.

When I allow the people in my life to upset me, when I get disappointed by what they do or feel hurt by what just happened, I ask myself, “What’s great about what just happened?” or “What must that person be thinking that would make what they just did OK with them?”

I find that when I get annoyed by what people do, that person is either doing something I do and hate or they just gave me an opportunity to develop my patience and generosity further. When I take my attention off my feelings and look at the situation impersonally, I can see how I MIGHT (not definitely) benefit from what happened. It may be an opportunity for me to grow, be an example for that person to emulate or even to take care of them.

Those are things I can Love and things I can be thankful they provided me with.

When I view situations that way and respond appropriately, the person almost always appreciates that I was thoughtful and created a way for us both to benefit from being there together - in spite of what just happened. We can both experience Love for ourselves and each other.

For example, if someone keeps breaking promises, instead of reacting, I could have a conversation to find out why and give them an opportunity to speak their truth completely even if I don’t like what they say. I may find that I don’t speak clearly enough or there’s something going on in their life that’s so upsetting they can’t remember anything 5 minutes after it’s been said. Maybe they’re angry with me from something I did and I didn’t know it.

This is GREAT NEWS!! I’ve been given something that I can create Love and Appreciation with with that other person. I can take away both their upset and mine. All there is for me to do is find a solution so I can get what I want done. Or, I’ll know they can’t fulfill my request so I’ll stop asking them to do it. Either way I’ll both feel a lot better and be free of that upset from that point forward.

Looking for the benefit in an upsetting situation, not taking things personally, standing in another person’s shoes, listening to them fully, creating win-win solutions based on what was communicated and acknowledging them for giving their best is an excellent recipe for turning upsets into Loving moments.

When people discover their power to make any situation loving, they don’t want to waste their time living any other way.