Working Man

My first marriage lasted 8 years. Even before we were married, the relationship was filled with angry upsets and unfulfilled expectations occasionally interrupted by brief moments of magic.

I’m sure my ex-wife would agree.

Those angry upsets and unfulfilled expectations most often came from me.

I had no idea how to be a successful husband, that’s for sure. The thought, “being a successful husband” never entered my mind. All I knew was “Happily Ever After….”

Anyway, I thought if I did my part, everything would work out fine. So I worked 2 jobs for 4 years and a 3rd job for an additional 18 months. However, I didn’t consider her happiness at all. I thought, “What’s your problem? I’m busting my a$$et$ 6 days a week for this family, I bring in all the money, I hardly get any sleep - don’t bother me! I’m WORKING MAN!”

That was disgusting.

I used work as a shield and a weapon to protect myself from blame and have a place to hide when things got too uncomfortable at home. Plus, I used our arguments as gossip to make myself look good at work; people who knew I was working hard (and I was) gave me sympathy. I’d be a martyr and feel righteous in blaming her for why the marriage sucked.

I set myself up as the good guy and she saw right through that. She wasn’t happy.

Fortunately, there was one area in our relationship that worked really well: Parenthood.

We never had arguments about how to take care of our children the entire marriage. What to teach them, how to discipline them, what they eat - we experienced Oneness as Parents.

Our rule was: We are the Parents. We Are in Charge. We Are United. You Cannot Separate Us - Ever!

Or something like that.

It’s amazing. The few times we disagreed, we’d have a meeting, clear it up and go back to being a united front. We had fun, the kids had fun - it was fun.

I LOVED being Dad.

I thought that was the only place we were happy.

Until recently.

Recently, I remembered another area that worked well for us: Holidays.

We loved having guests for the holidays so we insisted on having Christmas, Easter, 4^th of July and any celebration or family gathering at our place. For me, I liked being the host and hated traveling. For her, I think she liked making everyone happy and showing how good she was at doing it - especially my mom. They were, as Forrest Gump said, “Like Peas and Carrots.”

Many holidays, our house was filled with family, the smell of food, kids being themselves, laughter and Love. We enjoyed putting together the events. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’d help in the kitchen as the “Hand Me That” guy, while I told jokes and funny stories and gave myself permission to get a little drunk. On Christmas, I was the Chief Gift Wrapper, Chief Gift “Hander-Outer” and Chief Trash Talker.

All that was FUN! No run-ins, fits or terrors.

I thought the events was what caused the harmony. I didn’t realize working together was the real reason.

We had the most joy when we worked together to create something. We put aside our disagreements and upsets long enough to create awesome moments, then made the mistake of going back to our upsets and unfulfilled expectations.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wondered what happened to “Happily Ever After….?”. I wouldn’t have wondered why she was unhappy all the time. I wouldn’t have been looking for her to make me happy.

I would’ve looked at the relationship in the best interests of the relationship for the benefit of the relationship and in the process, created an amazing relationship.

During that time I worked 2 and 3 jobs to take care of us all. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve given myself another job: working with her on something amazing for the sake of the relationship.

So I leave you with a series of questions:

Do you know what works about your relationships?

What are your relationships asking of you in order for it to be amazing?

Are you willing to find out?

Are you willing to do something about it?

How much Love are you willing to have?

Finding Self Worth

When I was 5, my Mom and Dad split up. Of course, I didn’t know anything but I figured everything was OK because up until then everything WAS OK. I was deeply Loved, I had a great time every day, everybody thought I was cute; I was “TONY!!”

C’mon - NOBODY DIDN’T LOVE TONY!!

Please!

Mom took me and my sister to Miss Ivy, the neighborhood babysitter. Miss Ivy had 2 kids of her own plus 4 others living there.

We raised that total to 8.

Since Mom was smiling and laughing with Miss Ivy, I figured everything was great because, well, everything WAS great. I had no reason to think otherwise.

Mom had to leave. So she kissed and hugged us and then, Mom left.

Later that evening, Miss Ivy was sitting with her 5 month old, Alice. Alice was so cute! I walked over and started making faces, trying to touch her and whatever kids do when they see babies.

Miss Ivy was not amused. She told me to stop.

I didn’t stop. I thought, “I’m “TONY!!” My Mom wouldn’t make me stop playing with a baby. It’s a baby, for crying out loud! Wuzzup with dat?”

Miss Ivy had a different thought.

She put Alice down, got a belt and tore my asset up!

Dag - I wasn’t there more than 2 hours!

The “disrespect” hurt more than the butt whipping.

Apparently, I was on alien turf. It wasn’t safe - at all. I went from being the oldest child to the youngest male in a house with no protector or mentor.

For 3 years we were subjected to sudden outbursts of abuse - Miss Ivy whipped butt every single day and the older kids picked on me mainly because I wore really thick glasses (I’ve worn contact lenses since 1980) and I was too small to protect myself. I was called Four Eyes, Mr. McGoo, Cyclops and every blind joke imaginable.

That type of treatment usually doesn’t build self confidence.

School was just as bad. If you wore glasses in school you know exactly what I mean.

Fortunately, in my late teens I discovered that, with a 32” waist and no more glasses, women liked me - a lot.

Hmmmm.

Well, OK - since I’m not the type of guy who likes letting people down, I thought that if a member of the opposite sex liked me, she deserved every opportunity to do something about it.

And, if I “Feel Good” in the process, so much the better!

I wanted to feel like “TONY!!” again after experiencing Miss Ivy’s house. I wanted something to “Make Me Feel Good”. Some people turn to drugs, some turn to food, some turn to money and some turn to power.

I turned to the opposite sex.

If they liked me - or, God Forbid, they “Loved” me, that “Made Me Feel Good” - even if I didn’t feel the same way about them.

I’d feel like “TONY!!” again - briefly.

I partied like a STAR 3 weekends a month for 7 years - finances permitting. Each weekend offered temporary relief from feeling like a loner and a loser.

During that time, I did some really messed up things to “Make Me Feel Good”. I cheated, lied, was selfish and shortsighted in dealing with women, settled for unsatisfying relationships and sold myself out just to “Feel Good”.

It took me 7 years to see that didn’t work.

When I finally got married, I had no idea what it took to make it work.

I was a terrible husband. She never had a chance.

I worked hard - I had 2 and 3 jobs and did what was needed. But I was not kind, considerate, generous or Loving with my ex-wife. I was too hurt from previous experiences to be there for her.

I take full responsibility for the results of that marriage.

Making friends, having lots of girlfriends, getting married - none of that “Made Me Feel Good” for long.

My transformation began when I got involved in network marketing. Because of their emphasis on Personal Development, I began taking a more holistic view of my life. I learned so many things I began looking for what I didn’t know I didn’t know.

I began taking seminars with various educational organizations.

After taking classes at one of these organizations, I got a job with them.

While there, I began noticing many dating opportunities.

My coworkers noticed, also. I began receiving etiquette advice regarding my conduct - I began noticing how much of a “loose cannon” I was.

But I wanted them all to “Make Me Feel Good”.

Dag!

From those conversations I realized 2 things: 1) I’m easy to get along with but hard to satisfy and 2) I was selling out my Higher Purpose for “Make Me Feel Good”.

One day, a friend asked what was I going to do with a woman we both knew. I heard myself say, “She’s nice but I need to be responsible regarding who I spend time with because I’m worth it.”

Huh?

Who said that?

I was stunned! I didn’t see that one coming. But it was totally true.

In that moment I got that no one could feed my need to “Feel Good”. The need couldn’t be satisfied from outside - it could only come from me. I couldn’t even receive Love unless I Loved myself first.

I thought about all the people I hurt with my “Make Me Feel Good” mentality. I grieved privately, forgave myself and began living up to the standards I’ve always had but was too desperate and doubtful to trust would bring me my hearts’ desires.

It’s true what they say - If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

The moment I got that I’m worth whatever I want, my desperation to pursue relationships disappeared. I didn’t have to fill the silence with words or activities. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

I invite you to complete your Self Worth journey.

It’s worth it.

The Perfect Marriage

I visited New York (from Jacksonville, North Carolina) the weekend of July 29th 2003 because of my youngest daughter's Sweet 16 Birthday Party. There was NO WAY I was going to miss my dance with The Queen.

It was a fabulous party and I'm still amazed at how it came together - on her 15th birthday she said she was having a Sweet 16 Party and everyone submitted and surrendered to her will. I couldn't have been more proud.

The day before the Party I went to an educational company and chose to review a weekend communication course. I knew most of the volunteers but I kept getting distracted by a cute woman BEAMING a 1000 watt smile at me off and on.

Now, I'm not the type of man who would discourage another person's generosity - especially a woman - so I made it my business to see if she was just being "nice" or if she was interested.

After exchanging numbers on Friday and dancing with The Queen on Saturday, I went back to NC and began a nightly ritual of speaking with my new friend until she fell asleep.

She always fell asleep first. It became our joke because she'd wake up to that awful "BOMP-BOMP-BOMP" you hear when the phone is off the hook. In the morning she'd apologize and I'd tease her - I thought it was cute that she liked talking with me so much she didn't want to hang up even when she couldn't stay awake.

But the 1st call didn't really go well at all! In fact, after the 2nd call I wasn't going to call her anymore - I thought she had too much attitude. But New York had The Blackout. So I left a couple of messages just to check in. It turned out that she felt really taken care of from those messages. Things progressed nicely from there.

This was August 14th and 15th.

When we finally spoke we agreed she'd visit NC the weekend of September 5th for our 1st date.

On September 2nd, she changed her mind.

(Of course I thought that sucked - what else do you think I was thinking?)

Around that time we were having a "deep" conversation. I was telling her about my 1st marriage and somewhere I said, "Marriage is the highest form of commitment." She said, "Well, if that's the case, let's get married."

What?

I don't know how I got proposed to by someone I hadn't even kissed yet but here I was, experiencing exactly that.

On September 26th, we got married.

(If you're thinking what I'm thinking now but wasn't thinking then, you're right. I must've been out of my mind.)

It's possible I may have missed a crucial step or fourteen before getting married - like going on a date, visiting her home, meeting her kids, kissing - heck, ANYTHING FIRST!!

Ok, I'm an adventurer. We're both intelligent, motivated people always looking to improve ourselves. We'll make it work. (lol)

The next day, we started noticing stuff that didn't work. We had different energy levels. We had different tastes in food. We had different levels of patience. We had different levels of speaking volume. We had different (ahem) "needs". We had VERY different views on housekeeping. We had different views on childrearing.

We had completely different intentions for getting married! (Oh, No!)

What I didn't say before now is that my 1st relationship (Betty) was Divine but I couldn't handle prosperity. My 2nd real relationship (my 1st marriage) I stayed in WAY TOO LONG! I threw away a great relationship and held on to a sucky one. I was determined that the next serious relationship I entered into - especially marriage - I would do everything in my power to make it work. I REALLY wanted to get it right this time.

Oh well,

Without going into details, it didn't occur like the perfect marriage to either of us. I know I was NOT philosophical, understanding or looking for the good in it. I couldn't see anything good about it - period.

Neither could she. She used to groan, "I think the only reason I married you was to get your a** out of North Carolina!"

Maybe she was right.

After we broke up, I started seeing things that - as a direct result of being married to her - made me a better man and a better human being. She loved going to different seminars and insisted I go - even when we weren't speaking. She made me look at how I did EVERYTHING because she didn't compromise one bit on anything. I used to think she was stubborn and blind. There were times when she was. But I had to deal with myself in such a way that I know for a fact I wouldn't be creating a TV show about Love if I hadn't married her.

She made me grow up - which is interesting, since I'm 13 years older than her.

We're not suited for each other but now we're great friends. She gave me permission to write this story. We have tremendous respect for what we gave each other. But we're in no danger of thinking marriage between us would ever work.

The entire 18 month marriage was painful but we look at who we are now and how we got there and we know it actually was a Perfect Marriage.

Just not the type of marriage we had in mind.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

Recently, I was a volunteer at a 3 day Men’s Empowerment course. The course is both conversational and experiential and is intended to introduce Mature Masculinity and Legacy to the participants.

The course delivers - men of all ages grew up last weekend.

Including me.

During one of the exercises, men were invited to share their past.

One man shared about being publicly rejected in a particularly painful manner.

As he shared his story, I became less and less able to hear him. I felt a deep, immediate sadness followed by uncontrollable crying. I couldn’t hold it back.

It took a moment to realize what I was crying about - but when I did, I was shocked.

I was crying over a conversation that happened 29 years ago.

The conversation occurred when I was hanging out with my high school sweetheart, her best friend and her boyfriend. During this particular conversation I said - in an assumptive, matter-of-fact manner, “So when we get married…”

She interrupted me by saying, “Oh, no - I’m not getting married anytime soon!”

WHAT???

I was crushed.

I just assumed we were getting married in a few years.

I looked at her and thought, “We’ve been inseparable for 3 years! We get along great! We love each other! We’ve never even had an argument! What else are we gonna do? If we ain’t getting married, what’s the point in being together?”

I didn’t realize “anytime soon” didn’t mean “never” until years later.

When she said that, I immediately went numb. It happened so quick, I didn’t even know I did that until hearing that man’s story.

We talked about it afterwards but I never recovered.

That conversation and the next 29 years instantly and completely flashed before my eyes while he shared.

I’ve often thought about that moment because - in retrospect - that was the end of the relationship. It took another 18 months for us to completely stop seeing each other but like the Titanic, it was over at the moment of impact.

Neither of us knew that at the time - especially me.

From that point on, I made sure that women were head over heels about me before I made a move because I wasn’t giving my heart over to someone and have it broken again.

Nope, nope, nope!

If I met someone I thought I COULD love, I wouldn’t let myself be caught dead in her vicinity and if she wasn’t working hard to get with me it was never going to happen.

I’ve shared this story with people in my life over the years. I was saddened by it but it was just another sad thing that happened to me. I didn’t feel the pain until he started talking.

It’s a good thing I felt the pain before I knew why I felt it. If the pain had not snuck up on me like that, it may have been buried for another 29 years. I certainly wasn’t looking for it or trying to work on it because again, I didn’t know it was there.

It was bad enough that I didn’t know how deeply that incident hurt me. What was worse was how that incident invisibly controlled my entire life.

I cried because I realized I’d never be happy unless I stopped believing I had to get rid of people before they got rid of me.

I cried because I realized I’d never be successful as long as I settled for less than my highest desires.

I cried because I realized how much I sold myself out to avoid pain - I’d rather be numb than hurt. In the process, I’d never really live - I’d die with my music in me, unplayed.

I don’t know if I ever would’ve released the pain I felt from that conversation if I didn’t give myself over in service to men committed to being the best they can be. I probably would’ve been doing whatever I was doing the last 29 years that kept this pain hidden from my view.

What I do know is that I now have one less obstacle in my way on the path to a life of Love, Success and Happiness.

It’s taken me a long time to Love myself. Some people never do. I know that if I didn’t Love myself I would never have the courage to risk again.

It’s been said that the higher the risk, the greater the reward.

Living scared is not really living.

There’s no Love in Fear.