Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

Recently, I was a volunteer at a 3 day Men’s Empowerment course. The course is both conversational and experiential and is intended to introduce Mature Masculinity and Legacy to the participants.

The course delivers - men of all ages grew up last weekend.

Including me.

During one of the exercises, men were invited to share their past.

One man shared about being publicly rejected in a particularly painful manner.

As he shared his story, I became less and less able to hear him. I felt a deep, immediate sadness followed by uncontrollable crying. I couldn’t hold it back.

It took a moment to realize what I was crying about - but when I did, I was shocked.

I was crying over a conversation that happened 29 years ago.

The conversation occurred when I was hanging out with my high school sweetheart, her best friend and her boyfriend. During this particular conversation I said - in an assumptive, matter-of-fact manner, “So when we get married…”

She interrupted me by saying, “Oh, no - I’m not getting married anytime soon!”

WHAT???

I was crushed.

I just assumed we were getting married in a few years.

I looked at her and thought, “We’ve been inseparable for 3 years! We get along great! We love each other! We’ve never even had an argument! What else are we gonna do? If we ain’t getting married, what’s the point in being together?”

I didn’t realize “anytime soon” didn’t mean “never” until years later.

When she said that, I immediately went numb. It happened so quick, I didn’t even know I did that until hearing that man’s story.

We talked about it afterwards but I never recovered.

That conversation and the next 29 years instantly and completely flashed before my eyes while he shared.

I’ve often thought about that moment because - in retrospect - that was the end of the relationship. It took another 18 months for us to completely stop seeing each other but like the Titanic, it was over at the moment of impact.

Neither of us knew that at the time - especially me.

From that point on, I made sure that women were head over heels about me before I made a move because I wasn’t giving my heart over to someone and have it broken again.

Nope, nope, nope!

If I met someone I thought I COULD love, I wouldn’t let myself be caught dead in her vicinity and if she wasn’t working hard to get with me it was never going to happen.

I’ve shared this story with people in my life over the years. I was saddened by it but it was just another sad thing that happened to me. I didn’t feel the pain until he started talking.

It’s a good thing I felt the pain before I knew why I felt it. If the pain had not snuck up on me like that, it may have been buried for another 29 years. I certainly wasn’t looking for it or trying to work on it because again, I didn’t know it was there.

It was bad enough that I didn’t know how deeply that incident hurt me. What was worse was how that incident invisibly controlled my entire life.

I cried because I realized I’d never be happy unless I stopped believing I had to get rid of people before they got rid of me.

I cried because I realized I’d never be successful as long as I settled for less than my highest desires.

I cried because I realized how much I sold myself out to avoid pain - I’d rather be numb than hurt. In the process, I’d never really live - I’d die with my music in me, unplayed.

I don’t know if I ever would’ve released the pain I felt from that conversation if I didn’t give myself over in service to men committed to being the best they can be. I probably would’ve been doing whatever I was doing the last 29 years that kept this pain hidden from my view.

What I do know is that I now have one less obstacle in my way on the path to a life of Love, Success and Happiness.

It’s taken me a long time to Love myself. Some people never do. I know that if I didn’t Love myself I would never have the courage to risk again.

It’s been said that the higher the risk, the greater the reward.

Living scared is not really living.

There’s no Love in Fear.

The Color Blue

My favorite color is Blue. I don't know why - I just like it.

I wear Blue shirts as often as I can get away with it. This blog has lots of Blue in it. So does my newsletter. I'm just naturally pulled to Blue.

Fortunately, there's lots of Blue things around: the sky, water, cars, clothing - you get the point. So, I get to be happy all day long because I see my favorite color all day long.

There's an interesting thing about the color Blue beyond the fact that it's my favorite color - it's not any other color. Oh, it has various shades and tints like Navy Blue, Midnight Blue, Aqua Blue and Light Blue but the main thing is that it's always only Blue.

I don't like Red as much but it's the same thing. It's always only Red.

Now, you may have noticed that I'm always writing about Love because I'm committed to being Loving as a State of Mind and a Way of Life. That means no matter how I feel, I'm committed to being Loving with whomever I'm interacting with - even if they're not being Loving with me. I'm committed to Loving everything that happens to me - even things I don't particularly care for or want. I'm committed to Loving me - even when I screw up and want to beat myself up for it.

So what does one thing have to do with the other?

Well, Love is just like Blue - it's always only Love. If it's not Love then it's something else.

Put another way, we're never experiencing “not something” - we're experiencing something we probably don't like but it's NOT a “not”.

If we're feeling an absence of Love, we're actually feeling something other than Love. We're not actually feeling an absence of Love - we're feeling angry, sad, depressed, disappointed or something else, but it's not an absence of Love - we're experiencing the presence of something other than Love.

To be more precise, Love never disappears - it is what it is and there's no place for Love to go. However, it is entirely possible for some other quality to become more present based on our level of awareness in the moment.

If Love is always there, we can find it no mater how things look. We can look for something to Love about the people in our lives and remember that when we're not experiencing Love we're experiencing something else but Love is still totally available. All we have to do is look for it.

In relationships, not understanding this fact can produce lots of problems.

Actually, it already does. Allow me to explain.

We always get what we focus on - we're just not usually clear on what we're actually focusing on in the moment. For example, if we're focused on knowing whether we can trust someone or not, what method do we actually use? Do we look at their actions? Do we look at their past? Do we compare how they're being in relationship to the people and experiences of our past? If we're doing this, are we looking for reasons to trust them or are we looking for reasons to prevent untrustworthy people from being in our life?

If we're looking to prevent untrustworthy people from entering and negatively affecting our lives, is that the same thing as looking for Love? Is that the same thing as seeing Love wherever you look?

Hmmm....

If we always get what we're looking for then we'd have a problem because what we'd be looking for in that situation is someone to avoid. The problem: we'd have to find them in order to avoid them. We'd have to place them somewhere in our life so we could avoid them. That puts them in our life.

Yep - the very thing we don't want.

That's because Distrust is as much a State of Mind and a Way of Life as Love is. Distrust is as everywhere as Love is or Blue is.

Going back to the color Blue, here's another interesting thing I've noticed: anything and everything can be Blue. No matter what form Blue comes in, it's always Blue. Blue cars, homes, clothing - the common denominator is Blue. The same with Love or Distrust - we'll never run out of ways to express or experience them.

I'm happy about this because that means I can experience Love in any and every way possible. Heck - I can even Love people, if I want to. I find it quite enjoyable, personally.

I can Love people who do not Love me, who treat me poorly, who give me a hard time - I don't even need to know who they are to Love them.

That's because Love just IS.

One last thing: we're never running out of Love any more than we're going to run out of Blue. It's never going to disappear. We may choose to experience some other way of being like fear, anger, distrust or guilt but Love will be waiting for us when we're ready. All we have to do is look for it.

Just like all the Blue cars we'd immediately notice after we bought our new Blue car, Love will be all around us like it's been there the whole time.

Because it has.

The Context is Decisive

"It's not what you look like, when you're doin' what you doin'
It's what you're doin',
when you're doin', what you look like you're doin'
Express Yourself!"

Lyrics from the 1970 R&B Hit, "Express Yourself " by Charles Wright and the 103rd Street Band

A few years ago I worked as a Facilities Manager for an international corporation. The job was very difficult for me, mainly because I was the sloppiest, most disorganized person I knew - by a lot!

Since I didn't know what I was doing it was no surprise my supervisor was constantly upset with me, I was tired and people complained about the place all the doggone time. I was beating myself up and making everything and everyone wrong all at the same time.

Other than that, everything was great.

One Friday night my supervisor called me over to one of our 3 kitchen areas and said, "Get in that @#%${&* kitchen and don't come out until you know I won't be able to find anything wrong!"

Well! Hmmmff!! Who does she think she is, talking to me like that?

Of course, I didn't say any of that to her.

I took it on the chin because I trusted her. She was a great trainer and manager, she was as compassionate as she could be with me and her patience was much deeper and stronger than was mine. So I did as I was told.

Around 8pm, I began by washing dishes, which was stacked 2 feet above the rim of the sink. (disgusting!)

As I washed them, I noticed the drainer was getting full from the dishes I just washed so I put those dishes in the cabinets. Then I noticed the cabinets were overflowing and totally disorganized so I began rearranging the dishes in the cabinets. As I rearranged the dishes I noticed there were too many dishes in that cabinet so I began moving the dishes to another kitchen. Then, I began thinking it may be a good idea to match dishes and glassware. Then I noticed the flatware drawer was just as disorganized so I did the same thing with that. Then I noticed, then I noticed, then I noticed.....

After I washed the walls, placed the pens and pencils in one drawer and the menus in another and all the other stuff I now forgot I did, I finally finished cleaning that kitchen at 2am.

It took 6 hours to clean and organize a 8'x8' space!

During that time, something happened to me: I learned that I liked things clean and organized more than I hate doing the work to make it that way. I found that if I don't like doing something but I want the result, all I have to do is think about the result as I do it and the process that gets me my result becomes easier and can even be a joy because of the anxiously awaited outcome that's on the way.

To me, that means if I'm in a difficult situation with someone and I don't like what's happening, I can think about what I want to happen, be patient and loving with them (and myself) long enough and allow the Law of Attraction to create what I'm focusing on: creating a Loving interaction.

Or more.

I understood - for the first time - the phrase, "The Context is Decisive" because as soon as I shifted my attention, the chore became a joy. It became all about how can I do this better. I stopped complaining. I became generous by looking for how what I did would benefit others. I even thought that a sparkling environment would help people be in a better mood because they'd take on the characteristics of the kitchen - like how walking into a peaceful space helps us feel peaceful.

I saw that I could Love the process as well as the outcome of anything I choose.

I saw that Life is a series of processes and if I'm only looking for the end result I miss most of Life and by the time I get the outcome, it's already in the past.

In fact, the outcome is only as great as the process that led to it. We've all had results we've wanted and felt like, "Is that all there is to it?"

Now, all there is for me to do is to inspect myself around my context for doing anything.

If I can enjoy the process and enjoy the result, all I experience is enjoyment. That places me in complete control of my life, my relationships and my entire world.

I Love that!

Love as a State of Mind and a Way of Life

I was reading something and I thought it was so powerful, rich and revealing I wanted to share it.

So I will.

"Love takes no position, and thus is global, rising above separation. It's then possible to be 'one with another,' for there is no longer any barriers. Love is therefore inclusive and expands the sense of self progressively. Love focuses on the goodness of life in all its expressions and augments that which is positive - it dissolves negativity by recontextualizing it, rather than by attacking it."

David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph. D.
Author, Power vs. Force - pages 90 & 91

When I read that, I thought of my Mom, my best teachers, my dad, my high school sweetheart, my children - all those who loved me without looking for anything in return.

They all had weaknesses, foibles, distractions and things they didn't take responsibility for that left them disempowered. But in the end, when all was said and done, what I remember is the inclusiveness, the "barrier-less-ness" of the relationship, the intimacy, the goodness.

To me, those were moments of Love as a State of Mind and a Way of Life.

TONYANDBETTY

2 weeks before my 16th birthday I went on a church sponsored bus trip to Rye Playland. My best friend and I made an agreement to “get girls’ phone numbers”. We were determined and committed!

So, as we were getting on the bus to go home (without a single number between us) I looked at him and said, “I’m gonna get a girls’ phone number before I go home tonight!” I don’t know if that was stupid or brave - probably both.

I had forgotten about the cute girl on the bus with the flannel shirt shyly sitting all by herself. (It was NOT cool back then for girls to be wearing flannel shirts.) I already knew just about everyone else on the bus so I sat with Betty and we just started talking. Within 45 minutes we both knew we were IN LOVE! As it turned out, the thing I most wanted - get a girls’ phone number - happened as soon as I stopped trying.

That was my 1st lesson: I don’t have to MAKE things happen if I just LET them happen.

We were inseparable for more than 3 years. We told each other EVERYTHING! We bought twin bicycles. I’d meet her after school and ride my bike alongside her bus so when she got off I was right there. She watched me play basketball and I went with her when she shopped with her Mom. On Christmas, she received more gifts from my family than I did. People called us, “TONYANDBETTY”. We went 3+ years without a single argument; there was nothing to argue over.

I learned that speaking my mind works wonders. We never worried about pouring our feelings out and expressing our likes or dislikes because we always respected it and never bit our tongue or took what was said as criticism. The more we shared, the more deeply we loved each other.

We used to walk the streets of Brooklyn holding hands as 1 of us closed our eyes and pretended to be blind while the other led so we can have the experience of trusting each other. We gave ourselves over to the other and never doubted the other for even 1 second. It was one of our many games. We Loved it.

That was my next lesson. If I trust completely and am not attached to a result I’ll never be disappointed even if things don’t go perfectly. And, my trust in her allowed her to trust me in a way that words could never provide.

One New Years Day, we woke up to an apartment so messy it was impossible to walk anywhere without kicking something aside for even 1 step. But, we didn’t care. Hungry and broke, we looked in the fridge, warmed up the remaining 4 slices of leftover pizza and ate it, washing it down with Johnnie Walker Black Label because that’s all we had to drink besides water.

Sitting at our kitchen table, we looked at each other and laughed at our ridiculous predicament until our stomachs cramped. All of a sudden, this amazing thing happened: we just started staring into each others’ eyes as deeply as is possible for 2 human beings. We looked INTO and THROUGH each other. And silently, we fell in Love - again.

In that moment, there were 2 people who didn’t need anything or want anything but the person in front of them, just the way they were.

It was the single most romantic moment of my life.

What I learned that day was that Love may APPEAR to be elusive but really, Love is something you let happen by being open to it - in the moment, fully present.

LOVE IS ALREADY, ALWAYS THERE.

We were together for almost 5 years. I assert that we never stopped being in Love even after my stupid self ended that perfectly good relationship.

Apparently, I still had some lessons to learn.

But, that’s another story.

I never said I was perfect.