Finding Self Worth

When I was 5, my Mom and Dad split up. Of course, I didn’t know anything but I figured everything was OK because up until then everything WAS OK. I was deeply Loved, I had a great time every day, everybody thought I was cute; I was “TONY!!”

C’mon - NOBODY DIDN’T LOVE TONY!!

Please!

Mom took me and my sister to Miss Ivy, the neighborhood babysitter. Miss Ivy had 2 kids of her own plus 4 others living there.

We raised that total to 8.

Since Mom was smiling and laughing with Miss Ivy, I figured everything was great because, well, everything WAS great. I had no reason to think otherwise.

Mom had to leave. So she kissed and hugged us and then, Mom left.

Later that evening, Miss Ivy was sitting with her 5 month old, Alice. Alice was so cute! I walked over and started making faces, trying to touch her and whatever kids do when they see babies.

Miss Ivy was not amused. She told me to stop.

I didn’t stop. I thought, “I’m “TONY!!” My Mom wouldn’t make me stop playing with a baby. It’s a baby, for crying out loud! Wuzzup with dat?”

Miss Ivy had a different thought.

She put Alice down, got a belt and tore my asset up!

Dag - I wasn’t there more than 2 hours!

The “disrespect” hurt more than the butt whipping.

Apparently, I was on alien turf. It wasn’t safe - at all. I went from being the oldest child to the youngest male in a house with no protector or mentor.

For 3 years we were subjected to sudden outbursts of abuse - Miss Ivy whipped butt every single day and the older kids picked on me mainly because I wore really thick glasses (I’ve worn contact lenses since 1980) and I was too small to protect myself. I was called Four Eyes, Mr. McGoo, Cyclops and every blind joke imaginable.

That type of treatment usually doesn’t build self confidence.

School was just as bad. If you wore glasses in school you know exactly what I mean.

Fortunately, in my late teens I discovered that, with a 32” waist and no more glasses, women liked me - a lot.

Hmmmm.

Well, OK - since I’m not the type of guy who likes letting people down, I thought that if a member of the opposite sex liked me, she deserved every opportunity to do something about it.

And, if I “Feel Good” in the process, so much the better!

I wanted to feel like “TONY!!” again after experiencing Miss Ivy’s house. I wanted something to “Make Me Feel Good”. Some people turn to drugs, some turn to food, some turn to money and some turn to power.

I turned to the opposite sex.

If they liked me - or, God Forbid, they “Loved” me, that “Made Me Feel Good” - even if I didn’t feel the same way about them.

I’d feel like “TONY!!” again - briefly.

I partied like a STAR 3 weekends a month for 7 years - finances permitting. Each weekend offered temporary relief from feeling like a loner and a loser.

During that time, I did some really messed up things to “Make Me Feel Good”. I cheated, lied, was selfish and shortsighted in dealing with women, settled for unsatisfying relationships and sold myself out just to “Feel Good”.

It took me 7 years to see that didn’t work.

When I finally got married, I had no idea what it took to make it work.

I was a terrible husband. She never had a chance.

I worked hard - I had 2 and 3 jobs and did what was needed. But I was not kind, considerate, generous or Loving with my ex-wife. I was too hurt from previous experiences to be there for her.

I take full responsibility for the results of that marriage.

Making friends, having lots of girlfriends, getting married - none of that “Made Me Feel Good” for long.

My transformation began when I got involved in network marketing. Because of their emphasis on Personal Development, I began taking a more holistic view of my life. I learned so many things I began looking for what I didn’t know I didn’t know.

I began taking seminars with various educational organizations.

After taking classes at one of these organizations, I got a job with them.

While there, I began noticing many dating opportunities.

My coworkers noticed, also. I began receiving etiquette advice regarding my conduct - I began noticing how much of a “loose cannon” I was.

But I wanted them all to “Make Me Feel Good”.

Dag!

From those conversations I realized 2 things: 1) I’m easy to get along with but hard to satisfy and 2) I was selling out my Higher Purpose for “Make Me Feel Good”.

One day, a friend asked what was I going to do with a woman we both knew. I heard myself say, “She’s nice but I need to be responsible regarding who I spend time with because I’m worth it.”

Huh?

Who said that?

I was stunned! I didn’t see that one coming. But it was totally true.

In that moment I got that no one could feed my need to “Feel Good”. The need couldn’t be satisfied from outside - it could only come from me. I couldn’t even receive Love unless I Loved myself first.

I thought about all the people I hurt with my “Make Me Feel Good” mentality. I grieved privately, forgave myself and began living up to the standards I’ve always had but was too desperate and doubtful to trust would bring me my hearts’ desires.

It’s true what they say - If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

The moment I got that I’m worth whatever I want, my desperation to pursue relationships disappeared. I didn’t have to fill the silence with words or activities. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

I invite you to complete your Self Worth journey.

It’s worth it.

TONYANDBETTY

2 weeks before my 16th birthday I went on a church sponsored bus trip to Rye Playland. My best friend and I made an agreement to “get girls’ phone numbers”. We were determined and committed!

So, as we were getting on the bus to go home (without a single number between us) I looked at him and said, “I’m gonna get a girls’ phone number before I go home tonight!” I don’t know if that was stupid or brave - probably both.

I had forgotten about the cute girl on the bus with the flannel shirt shyly sitting all by herself. (It was NOT cool back then for girls to be wearing flannel shirts.) I already knew just about everyone else on the bus so I sat with Betty and we just started talking. Within 45 minutes we both knew we were IN LOVE! As it turned out, the thing I most wanted - get a girls’ phone number - happened as soon as I stopped trying.

That was my 1st lesson: I don’t have to MAKE things happen if I just LET them happen.

We were inseparable for more than 3 years. We told each other EVERYTHING! We bought twin bicycles. I’d meet her after school and ride my bike alongside her bus so when she got off I was right there. She watched me play basketball and I went with her when she shopped with her Mom. On Christmas, she received more gifts from my family than I did. People called us, “TONYANDBETTY”. We went 3+ years without a single argument; there was nothing to argue over.

I learned that speaking my mind works wonders. We never worried about pouring our feelings out and expressing our likes or dislikes because we always respected it and never bit our tongue or took what was said as criticism. The more we shared, the more deeply we loved each other.

We used to walk the streets of Brooklyn holding hands as 1 of us closed our eyes and pretended to be blind while the other led so we can have the experience of trusting each other. We gave ourselves over to the other and never doubted the other for even 1 second. It was one of our many games. We Loved it.

That was my next lesson. If I trust completely and am not attached to a result I’ll never be disappointed even if things don’t go perfectly. And, my trust in her allowed her to trust me in a way that words could never provide.

One New Years Day, we woke up to an apartment so messy it was impossible to walk anywhere without kicking something aside for even 1 step. But, we didn’t care. Hungry and broke, we looked in the fridge, warmed up the remaining 4 slices of leftover pizza and ate it, washing it down with Johnnie Walker Black Label because that’s all we had to drink besides water.

Sitting at our kitchen table, we looked at each other and laughed at our ridiculous predicament until our stomachs cramped. All of a sudden, this amazing thing happened: we just started staring into each others’ eyes as deeply as is possible for 2 human beings. We looked INTO and THROUGH each other. And silently, we fell in Love - again.

In that moment, there were 2 people who didn’t need anything or want anything but the person in front of them, just the way they were.

It was the single most romantic moment of my life.

What I learned that day was that Love may APPEAR to be elusive but really, Love is something you let happen by being open to it - in the moment, fully present.

LOVE IS ALREADY, ALWAYS THERE.

We were together for almost 5 years. I assert that we never stopped being in Love even after my stupid self ended that perfectly good relationship.

Apparently, I still had some lessons to learn.

But, that’s another story.

I never said I was perfect.

What Does Love Mean to Me?

The short answer is, Love means everything to me. It means Life. It means Health. It means Vitality. It means Freedom and Joy and Happiness and Safety and Self Expression. It means the highest forms of Being, Doing and Having possible and available to me and the entire Human Race.

It also means Romance. It means Sex. It means Friendship and Camaraderie and Partnership and Humanitarianism and World Peace.

On a deeper level, Love is Who I Am and Who I Be; who I’m being. To me, Love is a created phenomenon. It’s a choice. I choose to Love and be Loved. I choose to give and receive Love. I choose who, what, when, where, how and why to Love.

It is my responsibility to Love and be Loved.

I wake up every day and go to bed every night with the absolute intention of choosing Love. However, when undesirable incidents occur during my day, I don’t always stay “In Love” but I keep choosing to remember what I’m committed to.

One of my pet peeves is clogged aisles in a store by customers so absorbed by what they’re pondering I have to walk down another aisle to get what I want. I dislike that because if that was me I would move for them - they ain’t fair!

Another one is when I’m carrying a cold drink and the slow person in front of me at the cash register hogs up the entire counter so I can’t put my drink down while waiting for them to finish. My hands get colder - I really, really dislike that!

But I’m not committed to making people wrong because there’s no Love in it.

In those moments, I forget I CAN Love that they’re in that aisle falling in Love with what they’re paying attention to. I forget that I CAN Love their ability to focus. I forget that I CAN Love how they can afford to shop at that store. I forget that I CAN Love how they take care of their well being.

I have to remind myself to ask this simple question: What could I find in this situation to authentically Love - right here, right now?

It’s amazing how the brain finds answers to any question we give it.

I can Love my family. I can Love strangers. I can Love people I don’t know. I can Love people that dislike me. I can Love my foibles and weaknesses.

I can Love you.

And, I do.

Because I choose to.

Who needs chemistry?