The Perfect Marriage

I visited New York (from Jacksonville, North Carolina) the weekend of July 29th 2003 because of my youngest daughter's Sweet 16 Birthday Party. There was NO WAY I was going to miss my dance with The Queen.

It was a fabulous party and I'm still amazed at how it came together - on her 15th birthday she said she was having a Sweet 16 Party and everyone submitted and surrendered to her will. I couldn't have been more proud.

The day before the Party I went to an educational company and chose to review a weekend communication course. I knew most of the volunteers but I kept getting distracted by a cute woman BEAMING a 1000 watt smile at me off and on.

Now, I'm not the type of man who would discourage another person's generosity - especially a woman - so I made it my business to see if she was just being "nice" or if she was interested.

After exchanging numbers on Friday and dancing with The Queen on Saturday, I went back to NC and began a nightly ritual of speaking with my new friend until she fell asleep.

She always fell asleep first. It became our joke because she'd wake up to that awful "BOMP-BOMP-BOMP" you hear when the phone is off the hook. In the morning she'd apologize and I'd tease her - I thought it was cute that she liked talking with me so much she didn't want to hang up even when she couldn't stay awake.

But the 1st call didn't really go well at all! In fact, after the 2nd call I wasn't going to call her anymore - I thought she had too much attitude. But New York had The Blackout. So I left a couple of messages just to check in. It turned out that she felt really taken care of from those messages. Things progressed nicely from there.

This was August 14th and 15th.

When we finally spoke we agreed she'd visit NC the weekend of September 5th for our 1st date.

On September 2nd, she changed her mind.

(Of course I thought that sucked - what else do you think I was thinking?)

Around that time we were having a "deep" conversation. I was telling her about my 1st marriage and somewhere I said, "Marriage is the highest form of commitment." She said, "Well, if that's the case, let's get married."

What?

I don't know how I got proposed to by someone I hadn't even kissed yet but here I was, experiencing exactly that.

On September 26th, we got married.

(If you're thinking what I'm thinking now but wasn't thinking then, you're right. I must've been out of my mind.)

It's possible I may have missed a crucial step or fourteen before getting married - like going on a date, visiting her home, meeting her kids, kissing - heck, ANYTHING FIRST!!

Ok, I'm an adventurer. We're both intelligent, motivated people always looking to improve ourselves. We'll make it work. (lol)

The next day, we started noticing stuff that didn't work. We had different energy levels. We had different tastes in food. We had different levels of patience. We had different levels of speaking volume. We had different (ahem) "needs". We had VERY different views on housekeeping. We had different views on childrearing.

We had completely different intentions for getting married! (Oh, No!)

What I didn't say before now is that my 1st relationship (Betty) was Divine but I couldn't handle prosperity. My 2nd real relationship (my 1st marriage) I stayed in WAY TOO LONG! I threw away a great relationship and held on to a sucky one. I was determined that the next serious relationship I entered into - especially marriage - I would do everything in my power to make it work. I REALLY wanted to get it right this time.

Oh well,

Without going into details, it didn't occur like the perfect marriage to either of us. I know I was NOT philosophical, understanding or looking for the good in it. I couldn't see anything good about it - period.

Neither could she. She used to groan, "I think the only reason I married you was to get your a** out of North Carolina!"

Maybe she was right.

After we broke up, I started seeing things that - as a direct result of being married to her - made me a better man and a better human being. She loved going to different seminars and insisted I go - even when we weren't speaking. She made me look at how I did EVERYTHING because she didn't compromise one bit on anything. I used to think she was stubborn and blind. There were times when she was. But I had to deal with myself in such a way that I know for a fact I wouldn't be creating a TV show about Love if I hadn't married her.

She made me grow up - which is interesting, since I'm 13 years older than her.

We're not suited for each other but now we're great friends. She gave me permission to write this story. We have tremendous respect for what we gave each other. But we're in no danger of thinking marriage between us would ever work.

The entire 18 month marriage was painful but we look at who we are now and how we got there and we know it actually was a Perfect Marriage.

Just not the type of marriage we had in mind.

What Does Love Mean to Me?

The short answer is, Love means everything to me. It means Life. It means Health. It means Vitality. It means Freedom and Joy and Happiness and Safety and Self Expression. It means the highest forms of Being, Doing and Having possible and available to me and the entire Human Race.

It also means Romance. It means Sex. It means Friendship and Camaraderie and Partnership and Humanitarianism and World Peace.

On a deeper level, Love is Who I Am and Who I Be; who I’m being. To me, Love is a created phenomenon. It’s a choice. I choose to Love and be Loved. I choose to give and receive Love. I choose who, what, when, where, how and why to Love.

It is my responsibility to Love and be Loved.

I wake up every day and go to bed every night with the absolute intention of choosing Love. However, when undesirable incidents occur during my day, I don’t always stay “In Love” but I keep choosing to remember what I’m committed to.

One of my pet peeves is clogged aisles in a store by customers so absorbed by what they’re pondering I have to walk down another aisle to get what I want. I dislike that because if that was me I would move for them - they ain’t fair!

Another one is when I’m carrying a cold drink and the slow person in front of me at the cash register hogs up the entire counter so I can’t put my drink down while waiting for them to finish. My hands get colder - I really, really dislike that!

But I’m not committed to making people wrong because there’s no Love in it.

In those moments, I forget I CAN Love that they’re in that aisle falling in Love with what they’re paying attention to. I forget that I CAN Love their ability to focus. I forget that I CAN Love how they can afford to shop at that store. I forget that I CAN Love how they take care of their well being.

I have to remind myself to ask this simple question: What could I find in this situation to authentically Love - right here, right now?

It’s amazing how the brain finds answers to any question we give it.

I can Love my family. I can Love strangers. I can Love people I don’t know. I can Love people that dislike me. I can Love my foibles and weaknesses.

I can Love you.

And, I do.

Because I choose to.

Who needs chemistry?