What My Dad Taught Me About Love

My Dad’s name is Philip Anthony Vear Senior. He wanted to be called Tony his whole life. He thought Tony was so much cooler than Phil. So his friends called him ‘Fast Phil’ because he was the 1st one to start something - usually, trouble. He was and still is a true character.

But as a junior, I got to be called Tony. I’ve been Tony with family since I first came home from the hospital. Everywhere else I was Philip or Phil - right up until I participated in a seminar in 1999. While registering, they asked what name I like to be called. I wrote “Tony”. With a “Tony” name tag, people just meeting me knew me only as Tony. After 9 years, people are surprised to find out my given name is Philip. (how about you?)

Like most kids, I focused on all the things I thought were messed up about my Dad and had a running list I could pull up at a moment’s notice. (Not like anyone reading this ever did that.)

In 1999, I had a clothing store and my Dad worked with me there. I didn’t know squat but I was determined to be a successful businessman and he wanted to be a part of it. The man is PROUD of me, just because!!

In time, my inexperience was killing me. My business was sinking, savings disappearing and investments caught in the DOT.BOMB bubble burst. Other than that, everything was fine!!

I was visiting him at his home and told him about the situation.

I wanted him to help me stop the bleeding of my company. I wanted him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to tell me who I need to talk with to make everything better. I wanted him to give me money. I wanted him to tell me who to get money from. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him TO DO SOMETHING!!

I WANTED HIM TO BE MY DAD!!

I screamed. I yelled. I cursed him out. I said, “You can’t do anything for me, can you? You never did anything for me. I can’t get advice. I can’t get money. I can’t get any of your friends to help me ‘cause your friends don’t know crap. What good are you?” I was brutal.

Then I raised my fist to hit him. My Dad is 5 inches shorter, 80 lbs lighter and 21 years older than me. It was not going to go well for him.

Just before I started to swing, I happened to look him deep in his eyes…and I was stunned.

He didn’t raise his hands. He didn’t even brace himself for it. He just stood there.

He was going to let me hit him.

He didn’t say a word. His eyes did all the talking.

They said, “Son, you’re right. I can’t do anything for you. I never really did. But I still love you. I love you so much, if you need to kill me right here to make things better I’ll gladly let you.”

My Dad was absolutely willing to give his life if it meant my happiness because that’s all he had to give.

In that eye locked instant, I stopped, looked and began crying - sobbing deeply and profusely. I then began telling him what was really bothering me about my life. I wasn’t really mad at him. I mean, I was, but not like that.

In that moment I realized 2 things. My Dad didn’t have anything to give me but Love - and that’s enough. And, you can’t look a person deeply in their eyes and not Love them. You just will.

When you look someone deeply in their eyes and do not resist, deflect or squirm, you see that person completely and you find that, to borrow a phrase I learned in a seminar, “Who they are is you, cleverly disguised as them.”

Love is always, already there. You just have to look for it.

Now, my Dad can do no wrong. He is so far from perfect the word may as well be on another planet. He talks too much. (look who’s talking! lol.) He’s got more problems than a U.S. President. But I don’t care - I know that in the bottom of his heart, from the beginning to the end of time, my Dad LOVES me. To me, that’s the greatest thing he’s ever given me.

And, it’s enough.

Why Look at Life with Eyes of Love?

What kind of question is that?

Well, it’s the kind of question one would ask if they were committed to a life of personal happiness, fulfillment, freedom, joy - every feeling, experience and result they’ve always wanted. It’s the kind of question that has one be the author of their life rather than a victim of other people, circumstances or the world at large. It’s the kind of question someone would ask if they ever thought, “If life isn’t working for every single person, then how can life be working for me, really?”

Think about it - if my life is working but yours is not, I don’t have access to the benefit of your blessings and gifts and neither do you.

We have no idea how far along the Human Race could be if we had a culture where everyone wins or no one wins.

If I’m happy and you’re not I have 3 choices: help you be happy, leave you alone in your unhappiness or join you in being unhappy. If you can think of any other options let me know.

Here’s what I do know: only 1 of those options works for us both.

What does the question, “Why look at life with eyes of Love” mean?

It means looking for and seeing the love in every person, place, thing and especially every experience. It means consciously listening for the Love in every aspect of Life with our mind rather than just our ears. It means creating Love rather than waiting for Love to “descend” upon or “happen” to us. It means relating to “Love” as a Verb rather than an Adjective.

When I allow the people in my life to upset me, when I get disappointed by what they do or feel hurt by what just happened, I ask myself, “What’s great about what just happened?” or “What must that person be thinking that would make what they just did OK with them?”

I find that when I get annoyed by what people do, that person is either doing something I do and hate or they just gave me an opportunity to develop my patience and generosity further. When I take my attention off my feelings and look at the situation impersonally, I can see how I MIGHT (not definitely) benefit from what happened. It may be an opportunity for me to grow, be an example for that person to emulate or even to take care of them.

Those are things I can Love and things I can be thankful they provided me with.

When I view situations that way and respond appropriately, the person almost always appreciates that I was thoughtful and created a way for us both to benefit from being there together - in spite of what just happened. We can both experience Love for ourselves and each other.

For example, if someone keeps breaking promises, instead of reacting, I could have a conversation to find out why and give them an opportunity to speak their truth completely even if I don’t like what they say. I may find that I don’t speak clearly enough or there’s something going on in their life that’s so upsetting they can’t remember anything 5 minutes after it’s been said. Maybe they’re angry with me from something I did and I didn’t know it.

This is GREAT NEWS!! I’ve been given something that I can create Love and Appreciation with with that other person. I can take away both their upset and mine. All there is for me to do is find a solution so I can get what I want done. Or, I’ll know they can’t fulfill my request so I’ll stop asking them to do it. Either way I’ll both feel a lot better and be free of that upset from that point forward.

Looking for the benefit in an upsetting situation, not taking things personally, standing in another person’s shoes, listening to them fully, creating win-win solutions based on what was communicated and acknowledging them for giving their best is an excellent recipe for turning upsets into Loving moments.

When people discover their power to make any situation loving, they don’t want to waste their time living any other way.