My Dad’s name is Philip Anthony Vear Senior. He wanted to be called Tony his whole life. He thought Tony was so much cooler than Phil. So his friends called him ‘Fast Phil’ because he was the 1st one to start something - usually, trouble. He was and still is a true character.
But as a junior, I got to be called Tony. I’ve been Tony with family since I first came home from the hospital. Everywhere else I was Philip or Phil - right up until I participated in a seminar in 1999. While registering, they asked what name I like to be called. I wrote “Tony”. With a “Tony” name tag, people just meeting me knew me only as Tony. After 9 years, people are surprised to find out my given name is Philip. (how about you?)
Like most kids, I focused on all the things I thought were messed up about my Dad and had a running list I could pull up at a moment’s notice. (Not like anyone reading this ever did that.)
In 1999, I had a clothing store and my Dad worked with me there. I didn’t know squat but I was determined to be a successful businessman and he wanted to be a part of it. The man is PROUD of me, just because!!
In time, my inexperience was killing me. My business was sinking, savings disappearing and investments caught in the DOT.BOMB bubble burst. Other than that, everything was fine!!
I was visiting him at his home and told him about the situation.
I wanted him to help me stop the bleeding of my company. I wanted him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to tell me who I need to talk with to make everything better. I wanted him to give me money. I wanted him to tell me who to get money from. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him TO DO SOMETHING!!
I WANTED HIM TO BE MY DAD!!
I screamed. I yelled. I cursed him out. I said, “You can’t do anything for me, can you? You never did anything for me. I can’t get advice. I can’t get money. I can’t get any of your friends to help me ‘cause your friends don’t know crap. What good are you?” I was brutal.
Then I raised my fist to hit him. My Dad is 5 inches shorter, 80 lbs lighter and 21 years older than me. It was not going to go well for him.
Just before I started to swing, I happened to look him deep in his eyes…and I was stunned.
He didn’t raise his hands. He didn’t even brace himself for it. He just stood there.
He was going to let me hit him.
He didn’t say a word. His eyes did all the talking.
They said, “Son, you’re right. I can’t do anything for you. I never really did. But I still love you. I love you so much, if you need to kill me right here to make things better I’ll gladly let you.”
My Dad was absolutely willing to give his life if it meant my happiness because that’s all he had to give.
In that eye locked instant, I stopped, looked and began crying - sobbing deeply and profusely. I then began telling him what was really bothering me about my life. I wasn’t really mad at him. I mean, I was, but not like that.
In that moment I realized 2 things. My Dad didn’t have anything to give me but Love - and that’s enough. And, you can’t look a person deeply in their eyes and not Love them. You just will.
When you look someone deeply in their eyes and do not resist, deflect or squirm, you see that person completely and you find that, to borrow a phrase I learned in a seminar, “Who they are is you, cleverly disguised as them.”
Love is always, already there. You just have to look for it.
Now, my Dad can do no wrong. He is so far from perfect the word may as well be on another planet. He talks too much. (look who’s talking! lol.) He’s got more problems than a U.S. President. But I don’t care - I know that in the bottom of his heart, from the beginning to the end of time, my Dad LOVES me. To me, that’s the greatest thing he’s ever given me.
And, it’s enough.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
TONYANDBETTY
2 weeks before my 16th birthday I went on a church sponsored bus trip to Rye Playland. My best friend and I made an agreement to “get girls’ phone numbers”. We were determined and committed!
So, as we were getting on the bus to go home (without a single number between us) I looked at him and said, “I’m gonna get a girls’ phone number before I go home tonight!” I don’t know if that was stupid or brave - probably both.
I had forgotten about the cute girl on the bus with the flannel shirt shyly sitting all by herself. (It was NOT cool back then for girls to be wearing flannel shirts.) I already knew just about everyone else on the bus so I sat with Betty and we just started talking. Within 45 minutes we both knew we were IN LOVE! As it turned out, the thing I most wanted - get a girls’ phone number - happened as soon as I stopped trying.
That was my 1st lesson: I don’t have to MAKE things happen if I just LET them happen.
We were inseparable for more than 3 years. We told each other EVERYTHING! We bought twin bicycles. I’d meet her after school and ride my bike alongside her bus so when she got off I was right there. She watched me play basketball and I went with her when she shopped with her Mom. On Christmas, she received more gifts from my family than I did. People called us, “TONYANDBETTY”. We went 3+ years without a single argument; there was nothing to argue over.
I learned that speaking my mind works wonders. We never worried about pouring our feelings out and expressing our likes or dislikes because we always respected it and never bit our tongue or took what was said as criticism. The more we shared, the more deeply we loved each other.
We used to walk the streets of Brooklyn holding hands as 1 of us closed our eyes and pretended to be blind while the other led so we can have the experience of trusting each other. We gave ourselves over to the other and never doubted the other for even 1 second. It was one of our many games. We Loved it.
That was my next lesson. If I trust completely and am not attached to a result I’ll never be disappointed even if things don’t go perfectly. And, my trust in her allowed her to trust me in a way that words could never provide.
One New Years Day, we woke up to an apartment so messy it was impossible to walk anywhere without kicking something aside for even 1 step. But, we didn’t care. Hungry and broke, we looked in the fridge, warmed up the remaining 4 slices of leftover pizza and ate it, washing it down with Johnnie Walker Black Label because that’s all we had to drink besides water.
Sitting at our kitchen table, we looked at each other and laughed at our ridiculous predicament until our stomachs cramped. All of a sudden, this amazing thing happened: we just started staring into each others’ eyes as deeply as is possible for 2 human beings. We looked INTO and THROUGH each other. And silently, we fell in Love - again.
In that moment, there were 2 people who didn’t need anything or want anything but the person in front of them, just the way they were.
It was the single most romantic moment of my life.
What I learned that day was that Love may APPEAR to be elusive but really, Love is something you let happen by being open to it - in the moment, fully present.
LOVE IS ALREADY, ALWAYS THERE.
We were together for almost 5 years. I assert that we never stopped being in Love even after my stupid self ended that perfectly good relationship.
Apparently, I still had some lessons to learn.
But, that’s another story.
I never said I was perfect.
So, as we were getting on the bus to go home (without a single number between us) I looked at him and said, “I’m gonna get a girls’ phone number before I go home tonight!” I don’t know if that was stupid or brave - probably both.
I had forgotten about the cute girl on the bus with the flannel shirt shyly sitting all by herself. (It was NOT cool back then for girls to be wearing flannel shirts.) I already knew just about everyone else on the bus so I sat with Betty and we just started talking. Within 45 minutes we both knew we were IN LOVE! As it turned out, the thing I most wanted - get a girls’ phone number - happened as soon as I stopped trying.
That was my 1st lesson: I don’t have to MAKE things happen if I just LET them happen.
We were inseparable for more than 3 years. We told each other EVERYTHING! We bought twin bicycles. I’d meet her after school and ride my bike alongside her bus so when she got off I was right there. She watched me play basketball and I went with her when she shopped with her Mom. On Christmas, she received more gifts from my family than I did. People called us, “TONYANDBETTY”. We went 3+ years without a single argument; there was nothing to argue over.
I learned that speaking my mind works wonders. We never worried about pouring our feelings out and expressing our likes or dislikes because we always respected it and never bit our tongue or took what was said as criticism. The more we shared, the more deeply we loved each other.
We used to walk the streets of Brooklyn holding hands as 1 of us closed our eyes and pretended to be blind while the other led so we can have the experience of trusting each other. We gave ourselves over to the other and never doubted the other for even 1 second. It was one of our many games. We Loved it.
That was my next lesson. If I trust completely and am not attached to a result I’ll never be disappointed even if things don’t go perfectly. And, my trust in her allowed her to trust me in a way that words could never provide.
One New Years Day, we woke up to an apartment so messy it was impossible to walk anywhere without kicking something aside for even 1 step. But, we didn’t care. Hungry and broke, we looked in the fridge, warmed up the remaining 4 slices of leftover pizza and ate it, washing it down with Johnnie Walker Black Label because that’s all we had to drink besides water.
Sitting at our kitchen table, we looked at each other and laughed at our ridiculous predicament until our stomachs cramped. All of a sudden, this amazing thing happened: we just started staring into each others’ eyes as deeply as is possible for 2 human beings. We looked INTO and THROUGH each other. And silently, we fell in Love - again.
In that moment, there were 2 people who didn’t need anything or want anything but the person in front of them, just the way they were.
It was the single most romantic moment of my life.
What I learned that day was that Love may APPEAR to be elusive but really, Love is something you let happen by being open to it - in the moment, fully present.
LOVE IS ALREADY, ALWAYS THERE.
We were together for almost 5 years. I assert that we never stopped being in Love even after my stupid self ended that perfectly good relationship.
Apparently, I still had some lessons to learn.
But, that’s another story.
I never said I was perfect.
Monday, April 14, 2008
What Does Love Mean to Me?
The short answer is, Love means everything to me. It means Life. It means Health. It means Vitality. It means Freedom and Joy and Happiness and Safety and Self Expression. It means the highest forms of Being, Doing and Having possible and available to me and the entire Human Race.
It also means Romance. It means Sex. It means Friendship and Camaraderie and Partnership and Humanitarianism and World Peace.
On a deeper level, Love is Who I Am and Who I Be; who I’m being. To me, Love is a created phenomenon. It’s a choice. I choose to Love and be Loved. I choose to give and receive Love. I choose who, what, when, where, how and why to Love.
It is my responsibility to Love and be Loved.
I wake up every day and go to bed every night with the absolute intention of choosing Love. However, when undesirable incidents occur during my day, I don’t always stay “In Love” but I keep choosing to remember what I’m committed to.
One of my pet peeves is clogged aisles in a store by customers so absorbed by what they’re pondering I have to walk down another aisle to get what I want. I dislike that because if that was me I would move for them - they ain’t fair!
Another one is when I’m carrying a cold drink and the slow person in front of me at the cash register hogs up the entire counter so I can’t put my drink down while waiting for them to finish. My hands get colder - I really, really dislike that!
But I’m not committed to making people wrong because there’s no Love in it.
In those moments, I forget I CAN Love that they’re in that aisle falling in Love with what they’re paying attention to. I forget that I CAN Love their ability to focus. I forget that I CAN Love how they can afford to shop at that store. I forget that I CAN Love how they take care of their well being.
I have to remind myself to ask this simple question: What could I find in this situation to authentically Love - right here, right now?
It’s amazing how the brain finds answers to any question we give it.
I can Love my family. I can Love strangers. I can Love people I don’t know. I can Love people that dislike me. I can Love my foibles and weaknesses.
I can Love you.
And, I do.
Because I choose to.
Who needs chemistry?
It also means Romance. It means Sex. It means Friendship and Camaraderie and Partnership and Humanitarianism and World Peace.
On a deeper level, Love is Who I Am and Who I Be; who I’m being. To me, Love is a created phenomenon. It’s a choice. I choose to Love and be Loved. I choose to give and receive Love. I choose who, what, when, where, how and why to Love.
It is my responsibility to Love and be Loved.
I wake up every day and go to bed every night with the absolute intention of choosing Love. However, when undesirable incidents occur during my day, I don’t always stay “In Love” but I keep choosing to remember what I’m committed to.
One of my pet peeves is clogged aisles in a store by customers so absorbed by what they’re pondering I have to walk down another aisle to get what I want. I dislike that because if that was me I would move for them - they ain’t fair!
Another one is when I’m carrying a cold drink and the slow person in front of me at the cash register hogs up the entire counter so I can’t put my drink down while waiting for them to finish. My hands get colder - I really, really dislike that!
But I’m not committed to making people wrong because there’s no Love in it.
In those moments, I forget I CAN Love that they’re in that aisle falling in Love with what they’re paying attention to. I forget that I CAN Love their ability to focus. I forget that I CAN Love how they can afford to shop at that store. I forget that I CAN Love how they take care of their well being.
I have to remind myself to ask this simple question: What could I find in this situation to authentically Love - right here, right now?
It’s amazing how the brain finds answers to any question we give it.
I can Love my family. I can Love strangers. I can Love people I don’t know. I can Love people that dislike me. I can Love my foibles and weaknesses.
I can Love you.
And, I do.
Because I choose to.
Who needs chemistry?
Why Look at Life with Eyes of Love?
What kind of question is that?
Well, it’s the kind of question one would ask if they were committed to a life of personal happiness, fulfillment, freedom, joy - every feeling, experience and result they’ve always wanted. It’s the kind of question that has one be the author of their life rather than a victim of other people, circumstances or the world at large. It’s the kind of question someone would ask if they ever thought, “If life isn’t working for every single person, then how can life be working for me, really?”
Think about it - if my life is working but yours is not, I don’t have access to the benefit of your blessings and gifts and neither do you.
We have no idea how far along the Human Race could be if we had a culture where everyone wins or no one wins.
If I’m happy and you’re not I have 3 choices: help you be happy, leave you alone in your unhappiness or join you in being unhappy. If you can think of any other options let me know.
Here’s what I do know: only 1 of those options works for us both.
What does the question, “Why look at life with eyes of Love” mean?
It means looking for and seeing the love in every person, place, thing and especially every experience. It means consciously listening for the Love in every aspect of Life with our mind rather than just our ears. It means creating Love rather than waiting for Love to “descend” upon or “happen” to us. It means relating to “Love” as a Verb rather than an Adjective.
When I allow the people in my life to upset me, when I get disappointed by what they do or feel hurt by what just happened, I ask myself, “What’s great about what just happened?” or “What must that person be thinking that would make what they just did OK with them?”
I find that when I get annoyed by what people do, that person is either doing something I do and hate or they just gave me an opportunity to develop my patience and generosity further. When I take my attention off my feelings and look at the situation impersonally, I can see how I MIGHT (not definitely) benefit from what happened. It may be an opportunity for me to grow, be an example for that person to emulate or even to take care of them.
Those are things I can Love and things I can be thankful they provided me with.
When I view situations that way and respond appropriately, the person almost always appreciates that I was thoughtful and created a way for us both to benefit from being there together - in spite of what just happened. We can both experience Love for ourselves and each other.
For example, if someone keeps breaking promises, instead of reacting, I could have a conversation to find out why and give them an opportunity to speak their truth completely even if I don’t like what they say. I may find that I don’t speak clearly enough or there’s something going on in their life that’s so upsetting they can’t remember anything 5 minutes after it’s been said. Maybe they’re angry with me from something I did and I didn’t know it.
This is GREAT NEWS!! I’ve been given something that I can create Love and Appreciation with with that other person. I can take away both their upset and mine. All there is for me to do is find a solution so I can get what I want done. Or, I’ll know they can’t fulfill my request so I’ll stop asking them to do it. Either way I’ll both feel a lot better and be free of that upset from that point forward.
Looking for the benefit in an upsetting situation, not taking things personally, standing in another person’s shoes, listening to them fully, creating win-win solutions based on what was communicated and acknowledging them for giving their best is an excellent recipe for turning upsets into Loving moments.
When people discover their power to make any situation loving, they don’t want to waste their time living any other way.
Well, it’s the kind of question one would ask if they were committed to a life of personal happiness, fulfillment, freedom, joy - every feeling, experience and result they’ve always wanted. It’s the kind of question that has one be the author of their life rather than a victim of other people, circumstances or the world at large. It’s the kind of question someone would ask if they ever thought, “If life isn’t working for every single person, then how can life be working for me, really?”
Think about it - if my life is working but yours is not, I don’t have access to the benefit of your blessings and gifts and neither do you.
We have no idea how far along the Human Race could be if we had a culture where everyone wins or no one wins.
If I’m happy and you’re not I have 3 choices: help you be happy, leave you alone in your unhappiness or join you in being unhappy. If you can think of any other options let me know.
Here’s what I do know: only 1 of those options works for us both.
What does the question, “Why look at life with eyes of Love” mean?
It means looking for and seeing the love in every person, place, thing and especially every experience. It means consciously listening for the Love in every aspect of Life with our mind rather than just our ears. It means creating Love rather than waiting for Love to “descend” upon or “happen” to us. It means relating to “Love” as a Verb rather than an Adjective.
When I allow the people in my life to upset me, when I get disappointed by what they do or feel hurt by what just happened, I ask myself, “What’s great about what just happened?” or “What must that person be thinking that would make what they just did OK with them?”
I find that when I get annoyed by what people do, that person is either doing something I do and hate or they just gave me an opportunity to develop my patience and generosity further. When I take my attention off my feelings and look at the situation impersonally, I can see how I MIGHT (not definitely) benefit from what happened. It may be an opportunity for me to grow, be an example for that person to emulate or even to take care of them.
Those are things I can Love and things I can be thankful they provided me with.
When I view situations that way and respond appropriately, the person almost always appreciates that I was thoughtful and created a way for us both to benefit from being there together - in spite of what just happened. We can both experience Love for ourselves and each other.
For example, if someone keeps breaking promises, instead of reacting, I could have a conversation to find out why and give them an opportunity to speak their truth completely even if I don’t like what they say. I may find that I don’t speak clearly enough or there’s something going on in their life that’s so upsetting they can’t remember anything 5 minutes after it’s been said. Maybe they’re angry with me from something I did and I didn’t know it.
This is GREAT NEWS!! I’ve been given something that I can create Love and Appreciation with with that other person. I can take away both their upset and mine. All there is for me to do is find a solution so I can get what I want done. Or, I’ll know they can’t fulfill my request so I’ll stop asking them to do it. Either way I’ll both feel a lot better and be free of that upset from that point forward.
Looking for the benefit in an upsetting situation, not taking things personally, standing in another person’s shoes, listening to them fully, creating win-win solutions based on what was communicated and acknowledging them for giving their best is an excellent recipe for turning upsets into Loving moments.
When people discover their power to make any situation loving, they don’t want to waste their time living any other way.
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