Why People Call Me, "The Tony Vear Show"

in June 2004, I was a guest at a Men's Division International meeting. I was so impressed, I took the next available training weekend that October and because a member of a Brooklyn Men's Team.

I LOVE MDI AND WHAT IT STANDS FOR!

MDI is an organization committed to a world where Honor, Selflessness, Commitment, Integrity, Training and Learning give men the Wisdom to Serve all Men, Women and Children for the betterment of Humanity.

About a year into my membership, "I heard it thru the grapevine" that MDI's Sister Organization - The Family of Women - wanted to interview a few men using a panel format to support them in being more effective in their relationships with brothers, husbands, sons, co-workers, etc. and I BEGGED to be on that panel.

After the organizer of the panel relented (I was a PAIN! He probably said yes just to shut me up), we had our day with the women.

They asked questions, we took turns answering them. My answers were animated, long and emotional. I was straight, insistent, funny and insightful. Some of you know exactly what I mean - you've seen me that way before.

Fortunately, the women thought I was a HIT!

I was hugging everyone at the end. The women were thrilled and kept thanking all of us but they were really emotional towards me in particular - not like I was the best but they went out of their way to make sure I knew how much they learned, how much of a difference I made and that what I said supported them in improving their relationships.

They especially loved that I was fully self expressed - Straight; no chaser!

As we were leaving, we spontaneously huddled up and debriefed. I'm all excited about what just happened and we're going over everything when one of the men said to me,"Dude - you talk too much! I know those women liked what you had to say but damn - you can't shut up! It was like being on THE TONY VEAR SHOW!"

And he stormed off!

OUCH!!

That really messed me up!!

I was embarrassed and emotionally, I was looking for a hole to crawl into. I had no idea I had that effect on anyone. He was a long time leader in our organization; I was a rookie. I was hurt and I felt scolded.

Other men chimed in. One of them didn't have an opinion one way or the other. Another just asked me "Did you give your best?" I said,"Of course!" He said, "Well, that's all you can do then, right?"

One of them said - thankfully, within minutes - "Yep, it WAS like being on The Tony Vear Show, but I LIKED The Tony Vear Show!"

I was so glad he said that! I don't know what I would've done to recover had Joe not only said that but for the next 18 months refer to me only as "The Tony Vear Show".

When I'm at my best I'm completely animated - I talk fast, laugh a lot and say things I've never heard myself say before. I'm hilarious, gregarious, unpredictable and safe to be around. Some say I'm like a big ol' Teddy Bear. Some say they can feel the Love when I come in the room. And, somebody's learning something about something in my space - even if it's just me.

The bottom line is, at my best I am completely and utterly me!

My point is, I love being me. I'm totally comfortable in my own skin, I'm committed to being me and I'm committed to you being you. In fact, that is one of the 3 core intentions of The Tony Vear Show - that people experience Love as a State of Mind and a Way of Life, that No One does Anything they don't Love and that we live in a World That Works for Everyone.

If you're not being you, you're obviously being, doing or having something you don't Love.

In closing, I leave you with a quote from Neale Donald Walsch - author of the Conversations with God book series:

Betrayal of oneself

in order to not betray another

is betrayal nevertheless.

In fact,

it is the highest betrayal.

Be yourself. Love yourself.

You can't love anyone or anything more than you love yourself.

It's impossible.

There's not enough room.

For more information about MDI, visit their website at www.mdionline.org

For more information about the Family of Women, visit www.thesterlingwomensweekend.com

Working Man

My first marriage lasted 8 years. Even before we were married, the relationship was filled with angry upsets and unfulfilled expectations occasionally interrupted by brief moments of magic.

I’m sure my ex-wife would agree.

Those angry upsets and unfulfilled expectations most often came from me.

I had no idea how to be a successful husband, that’s for sure. The thought, “being a successful husband” never entered my mind. All I knew was “Happily Ever After….”

Anyway, I thought if I did my part, everything would work out fine. So I worked 2 jobs for 4 years and a 3rd job for an additional 18 months. However, I didn’t consider her happiness at all. I thought, “What’s your problem? I’m busting my a$$et$ 6 days a week for this family, I bring in all the money, I hardly get any sleep - don’t bother me! I’m WORKING MAN!”

That was disgusting.

I used work as a shield and a weapon to protect myself from blame and have a place to hide when things got too uncomfortable at home. Plus, I used our arguments as gossip to make myself look good at work; people who knew I was working hard (and I was) gave me sympathy. I’d be a martyr and feel righteous in blaming her for why the marriage sucked.

I set myself up as the good guy and she saw right through that. She wasn’t happy.

Fortunately, there was one area in our relationship that worked really well: Parenthood.

We never had arguments about how to take care of our children the entire marriage. What to teach them, how to discipline them, what they eat - we experienced Oneness as Parents.

Our rule was: We are the Parents. We Are in Charge. We Are United. You Cannot Separate Us - Ever!

Or something like that.

It’s amazing. The few times we disagreed, we’d have a meeting, clear it up and go back to being a united front. We had fun, the kids had fun - it was fun.

I LOVED being Dad.

I thought that was the only place we were happy.

Until recently.

Recently, I remembered another area that worked well for us: Holidays.

We loved having guests for the holidays so we insisted on having Christmas, Easter, 4^th of July and any celebration or family gathering at our place. For me, I liked being the host and hated traveling. For her, I think she liked making everyone happy and showing how good she was at doing it - especially my mom. They were, as Forrest Gump said, “Like Peas and Carrots.”

Many holidays, our house was filled with family, the smell of food, kids being themselves, laughter and Love. We enjoyed putting together the events. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’d help in the kitchen as the “Hand Me That” guy, while I told jokes and funny stories and gave myself permission to get a little drunk. On Christmas, I was the Chief Gift Wrapper, Chief Gift “Hander-Outer” and Chief Trash Talker.

All that was FUN! No run-ins, fits or terrors.

I thought the events was what caused the harmony. I didn’t realize working together was the real reason.

We had the most joy when we worked together to create something. We put aside our disagreements and upsets long enough to create awesome moments, then made the mistake of going back to our upsets and unfulfilled expectations.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wondered what happened to “Happily Ever After….?”. I wouldn’t have wondered why she was unhappy all the time. I wouldn’t have been looking for her to make me happy.

I would’ve looked at the relationship in the best interests of the relationship for the benefit of the relationship and in the process, created an amazing relationship.

During that time I worked 2 and 3 jobs to take care of us all. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve given myself another job: working with her on something amazing for the sake of the relationship.

So I leave you with a series of questions:

Do you know what works about your relationships?

What are your relationships asking of you in order for it to be amazing?

Are you willing to find out?

Are you willing to do something about it?

How much Love are you willing to have?

Finding Self Worth

When I was 5, my Mom and Dad split up. Of course, I didn’t know anything but I figured everything was OK because up until then everything WAS OK. I was deeply Loved, I had a great time every day, everybody thought I was cute; I was “TONY!!”

C’mon - NOBODY DIDN’T LOVE TONY!!

Please!

Mom took me and my sister to Miss Ivy, the neighborhood babysitter. Miss Ivy had 2 kids of her own plus 4 others living there.

We raised that total to 8.

Since Mom was smiling and laughing with Miss Ivy, I figured everything was great because, well, everything WAS great. I had no reason to think otherwise.

Mom had to leave. So she kissed and hugged us and then, Mom left.

Later that evening, Miss Ivy was sitting with her 5 month old, Alice. Alice was so cute! I walked over and started making faces, trying to touch her and whatever kids do when they see babies.

Miss Ivy was not amused. She told me to stop.

I didn’t stop. I thought, “I’m “TONY!!” My Mom wouldn’t make me stop playing with a baby. It’s a baby, for crying out loud! Wuzzup with dat?”

Miss Ivy had a different thought.

She put Alice down, got a belt and tore my asset up!

Dag - I wasn’t there more than 2 hours!

The “disrespect” hurt more than the butt whipping.

Apparently, I was on alien turf. It wasn’t safe - at all. I went from being the oldest child to the youngest male in a house with no protector or mentor.

For 3 years we were subjected to sudden outbursts of abuse - Miss Ivy whipped butt every single day and the older kids picked on me mainly because I wore really thick glasses (I’ve worn contact lenses since 1980) and I was too small to protect myself. I was called Four Eyes, Mr. McGoo, Cyclops and every blind joke imaginable.

That type of treatment usually doesn’t build self confidence.

School was just as bad. If you wore glasses in school you know exactly what I mean.

Fortunately, in my late teens I discovered that, with a 32” waist and no more glasses, women liked me - a lot.

Hmmmm.

Well, OK - since I’m not the type of guy who likes letting people down, I thought that if a member of the opposite sex liked me, she deserved every opportunity to do something about it.

And, if I “Feel Good” in the process, so much the better!

I wanted to feel like “TONY!!” again after experiencing Miss Ivy’s house. I wanted something to “Make Me Feel Good”. Some people turn to drugs, some turn to food, some turn to money and some turn to power.

I turned to the opposite sex.

If they liked me - or, God Forbid, they “Loved” me, that “Made Me Feel Good” - even if I didn’t feel the same way about them.

I’d feel like “TONY!!” again - briefly.

I partied like a STAR 3 weekends a month for 7 years - finances permitting. Each weekend offered temporary relief from feeling like a loner and a loser.

During that time, I did some really messed up things to “Make Me Feel Good”. I cheated, lied, was selfish and shortsighted in dealing with women, settled for unsatisfying relationships and sold myself out just to “Feel Good”.

It took me 7 years to see that didn’t work.

When I finally got married, I had no idea what it took to make it work.

I was a terrible husband. She never had a chance.

I worked hard - I had 2 and 3 jobs and did what was needed. But I was not kind, considerate, generous or Loving with my ex-wife. I was too hurt from previous experiences to be there for her.

I take full responsibility for the results of that marriage.

Making friends, having lots of girlfriends, getting married - none of that “Made Me Feel Good” for long.

My transformation began when I got involved in network marketing. Because of their emphasis on Personal Development, I began taking a more holistic view of my life. I learned so many things I began looking for what I didn’t know I didn’t know.

I began taking seminars with various educational organizations.

After taking classes at one of these organizations, I got a job with them.

While there, I began noticing many dating opportunities.

My coworkers noticed, also. I began receiving etiquette advice regarding my conduct - I began noticing how much of a “loose cannon” I was.

But I wanted them all to “Make Me Feel Good”.

Dag!

From those conversations I realized 2 things: 1) I’m easy to get along with but hard to satisfy and 2) I was selling out my Higher Purpose for “Make Me Feel Good”.

One day, a friend asked what was I going to do with a woman we both knew. I heard myself say, “She’s nice but I need to be responsible regarding who I spend time with because I’m worth it.”

Huh?

Who said that?

I was stunned! I didn’t see that one coming. But it was totally true.

In that moment I got that no one could feed my need to “Feel Good”. The need couldn’t be satisfied from outside - it could only come from me. I couldn’t even receive Love unless I Loved myself first.

I thought about all the people I hurt with my “Make Me Feel Good” mentality. I grieved privately, forgave myself and began living up to the standards I’ve always had but was too desperate and doubtful to trust would bring me my hearts’ desires.

It’s true what they say - If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

The moment I got that I’m worth whatever I want, my desperation to pursue relationships disappeared. I didn’t have to fill the silence with words or activities. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

I invite you to complete your Self Worth journey.

It’s worth it.

The Perfect Marriage

I visited New York (from Jacksonville, North Carolina) the weekend of July 29th 2003 because of my youngest daughter's Sweet 16 Birthday Party. There was NO WAY I was going to miss my dance with The Queen.

It was a fabulous party and I'm still amazed at how it came together - on her 15th birthday she said she was having a Sweet 16 Party and everyone submitted and surrendered to her will. I couldn't have been more proud.

The day before the Party I went to an educational company and chose to review a weekend communication course. I knew most of the volunteers but I kept getting distracted by a cute woman BEAMING a 1000 watt smile at me off and on.

Now, I'm not the type of man who would discourage another person's generosity - especially a woman - so I made it my business to see if she was just being "nice" or if she was interested.

After exchanging numbers on Friday and dancing with The Queen on Saturday, I went back to NC and began a nightly ritual of speaking with my new friend until she fell asleep.

She always fell asleep first. It became our joke because she'd wake up to that awful "BOMP-BOMP-BOMP" you hear when the phone is off the hook. In the morning she'd apologize and I'd tease her - I thought it was cute that she liked talking with me so much she didn't want to hang up even when she couldn't stay awake.

But the 1st call didn't really go well at all! In fact, after the 2nd call I wasn't going to call her anymore - I thought she had too much attitude. But New York had The Blackout. So I left a couple of messages just to check in. It turned out that she felt really taken care of from those messages. Things progressed nicely from there.

This was August 14th and 15th.

When we finally spoke we agreed she'd visit NC the weekend of September 5th for our 1st date.

On September 2nd, she changed her mind.

(Of course I thought that sucked - what else do you think I was thinking?)

Around that time we were having a "deep" conversation. I was telling her about my 1st marriage and somewhere I said, "Marriage is the highest form of commitment." She said, "Well, if that's the case, let's get married."

What?

I don't know how I got proposed to by someone I hadn't even kissed yet but here I was, experiencing exactly that.

On September 26th, we got married.

(If you're thinking what I'm thinking now but wasn't thinking then, you're right. I must've been out of my mind.)

It's possible I may have missed a crucial step or fourteen before getting married - like going on a date, visiting her home, meeting her kids, kissing - heck, ANYTHING FIRST!!

Ok, I'm an adventurer. We're both intelligent, motivated people always looking to improve ourselves. We'll make it work. (lol)

The next day, we started noticing stuff that didn't work. We had different energy levels. We had different tastes in food. We had different levels of patience. We had different levels of speaking volume. We had different (ahem) "needs". We had VERY different views on housekeeping. We had different views on childrearing.

We had completely different intentions for getting married! (Oh, No!)

What I didn't say before now is that my 1st relationship (Betty) was Divine but I couldn't handle prosperity. My 2nd real relationship (my 1st marriage) I stayed in WAY TOO LONG! I threw away a great relationship and held on to a sucky one. I was determined that the next serious relationship I entered into - especially marriage - I would do everything in my power to make it work. I REALLY wanted to get it right this time.

Oh well,

Without going into details, it didn't occur like the perfect marriage to either of us. I know I was NOT philosophical, understanding or looking for the good in it. I couldn't see anything good about it - period.

Neither could she. She used to groan, "I think the only reason I married you was to get your a** out of North Carolina!"

Maybe she was right.

After we broke up, I started seeing things that - as a direct result of being married to her - made me a better man and a better human being. She loved going to different seminars and insisted I go - even when we weren't speaking. She made me look at how I did EVERYTHING because she didn't compromise one bit on anything. I used to think she was stubborn and blind. There were times when she was. But I had to deal with myself in such a way that I know for a fact I wouldn't be creating a TV show about Love if I hadn't married her.

She made me grow up - which is interesting, since I'm 13 years older than her.

We're not suited for each other but now we're great friends. She gave me permission to write this story. We have tremendous respect for what we gave each other. But we're in no danger of thinking marriage between us would ever work.

The entire 18 month marriage was painful but we look at who we are now and how we got there and we know it actually was a Perfect Marriage.

Just not the type of marriage we had in mind.

Playing Poker

In early 2005 I was going through challenges with my now ex-wife and one of my 2 stepsons was very sick - he underwent dialysis twice a week. His doctor wanted him doing it more but he couldn't handle it.

His Mom asked me to go to the hospital with him on Fridays so he wouldn't be alone.

I agreed - but I was reluctant. I didn't want to leave work early because I was concerned my boss would hold my leaving early against me later. Plus, I don't like being in hospitals; I think they're depressing.

So I left work at the last minute, barely making it home for the ambulance ride and not knowing what to do with a boy who was thorny, rude, cranky and angry from being tired of his ailment and scared of dying.

At first, I looked at my hospital visit as an opportunity to get some sleep in the visitor's waiting room - his stay was from 5pm until 10pm. Even though I was there, he was by himself most of the time with the nurses and the machines.

Then one morning, he walked past me in our kitchen and said, "Good Morning". He stood there for a moment looking "into space". Then he smiled and walked away.

And everything changed.

It was a nothing moment - except in THAT moment, I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING HIM!

It felt like he entered me spiritually.

I became very sad. In that moment, I was 10 years old with failed kidneys. I hated the medication and the rides and everyone telling me what to do, what to eat, how to act. I was doing the best I could to deal with my ailment and nobody knew it.

WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

The moment was fleeting but I remember it like it just happened.

From that point on, I made it my business to be there for him. It was an honor and a pleasure.

I began thinking - what would I want if I were him? Then, I remembered he liked games. He loved video games but you can't take them to a hospital because it may interfere with the equipment. So I taught him a REAL game - Poker.

We had a blast!

He learned quickly. I never LET him win - if he won, he earned it. We talked trash and cheated alot.

Friday night became Poker Night.

Poker Night kept his mind off his pain, worry, fear and anguish.

That was good.

Throughout the year, my stepson had damaged his dialysis entry points. He'd damage them while sleeping or playing or something.

In the summer of 2005 he damaged his last one.

That was not good.

He was immediately placed on an emergency transplant list. He wouldn't live past 3 weeks - tops - without new kidneys.

This happened on a Friday.

The following Tuesday, I got a call from his Mom telling me he was getting his transplant that night. I was and still am a proud member of an MDI Men's Team and I was 15 minutes away from our weekly Team Meeting.

I immediately wanted to go to the hospital but I gave my word to be at the Team Meeting because we give our word to be at Team Meetings.

So, I went to the Team Meeting.

When I got there, I told them what happened. I told them I didn't want to leave the meeting and asked them to come with me to the hospital. I wanted my Team with me.

In 10 minutes, we were driving from Park Slope, Brooklyn to Upper Manhattan.

I was so touched, I cried for half the trip.

We got to the hospital around 9pm and went to the visitors' area. My stepson and the rest of the family were there.

After exchanging pleasantries we played - what else? - Poker!

This 10 year old kid was playing Poker with 5 men he'd never met, talking much trash and winning hand after hand. He fit in so well we let him be in charge.

For about 100 minutes he forgot he was about to have kidney transplant surgery.

We all forgot he was about to have kidney transplant surgery.

At 11:00pm, the Team had to leave.

At 11:15pm, he was summoned to begin preparation for surgery. That's when he remembered he was going into surgery.

10 year olds aren't as good at hiding their feelings as grownups. He looked so sad and scared as they wheeled him away.

8 hours later, the surgery was a success.

He spent another 2 weeks in intensive care to monitor his health. During that time, he was even more thorny, rude, cranky and angry but I didn't care. I just wanted to take care of him.

What I learned is that we can see past others' pain and fears and find the true person underneath - but only when we put ourselves in their shoes. We can't put ourselves in their shoes if we're only thinking about ourselves,

As soon as I stopped thinking about me and began thinking about my stepson, I could Love him without expecting anything in return. As soon as my Men's Team put themselves in my and my stepsons' shoes they made a huge difference.

It seems to me that Love is only Love when I don't want, need or expect anything in return. Love is only Love when it's given away.

Just like a smile, if you see someone without Love, give them some of yours.

Falling in Love

Recently, I fell in Love!

I fell in Love with Diana Ross, Smokey Robinson, Martha Reeves, Eddie Kendricks and Mary Wells.

Again!

I loved them when I was young. They were my idols. I knew all the words to almost all their songs; my sister and I would perform spontaneous duets.

I watched old clips of their live performances on YouTube, singing and performing their greatest hits while in their prime. I saw the world premier of "Stop - In the Name of Love', "Oooh, Baby, Baby" and "Nowhere to Run", among many others, for hours.

Thank God for YouTube.

I had no idea how great they were until I watched those videos. I used to listen to their records while looking at their album covers, imagining I was watching them perform.

As Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell once sang, "Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thang, Baby."

What moved me was their Love for what they did and their obvious commitment to excellence. Their performances were stunning!

They were the picture of confidence. They overflowed with charisma. Their vocal quality and technique were beyond reproach.

Smokey owned the room with elegance and care. He owned the camera, the audience, the song, the stage and the Miracles. Diana never stopped smiling. I could hear her smile with every syllable. She played with us and told stories as if she lived them.

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

But there was much more to them than even that.

Those performers appeared to be transparent vessels of their craft, a conduit of excellence with no concern for anything other than sharing their Love for what they were doing with us.

They looked like there was no other place they'd rather be. And the more they Loved what they were doing the more we Loved them.

Speaking for myself, I felt like they reached into a higher realm of existence and with their performances, showed me what that higher realm looked, felt and sounded like.

They lifted me up. How could I not Love them for that?

To me, greatness and excellence - in any arena - seem to have a common theme: they exhibit and bring forth the presence of Love.

The athlete, the singer, the writer and the architect Love what they do so much they can't help but constantly raise their standards, caring for what they do the way most of us care for our children - sometimes more.

Their Love for what they do gets all over me and I Love it!

Whenever I have an opportunity to see or experience excellence I'm interested even if I don't know what it's about.

I don't know if philosophers or great thinkers throughout time have expressed what I'm about to say but here's what I think: I think it's impossible to be great at something without Loving it. I think we Love greatness and excellence because of the Love expressed, not because of the greatness or the excellence.

And we want the Love!

The experience of Love is such a relatively rare occurrence in a world permeated with doubt, fear and cynicism. Survival seems to trump Love.

What a shame.

I suggest we trump Survival with Love.

I suggest we look at the Love already surrounding us. Let's look at what others Love and honor them for it. Let's see what we Love and get lost in it. Let's share what we Love with others so they get to experience Love and be inspired to do the same.

It's been said that if you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours. Well, the same can be said about Love: if you see someone who doesn't Love their life, share what you Love about your life with them.

Like a smile, the more Love we give the more Love there is to go around.

You know what "they" say - what goes around, comes around.

What do you want coming back to you?

The Exaltation ofThe Mundane

I was recently on a train going home towards the end of rush hour. The train wasn't so crowded that I had elbows in my back but it was too crowded to expect to get a seat before the train got to my destination.

I stood against a door looking around aimlessly while waiting for my stop.

Suddenly, I noticed a well dressed man with a backpack on, holding onto a pole as he stood.

He also had crutches and stood about 4 feet tall.

Without knowing anything about his background, circumstances or history I had the thought that he may have been born that way. I also imagined he may have been a lawyer or financial person based on his appearance and way of being. He looked well-to-do.

He also looked like he was used to being stared at.

After someone graciously gave him a seat, he was no longer in my line of sight.

So, I went back to aimlessly looking around. I still had a few stops to go before getting off.

Shortly after he sat down, I noticed a man leaning against another train door opposite me. He looked like an Adonis: about 6'2", flat stomach, great hair, casual but well dressed, handsome - the kind of guy women would chase. I guessed he was Spanish but of course, it was pure speculation.

He looked completely bored as he read his magazine.

I think that's why I noticed him. I could feel his boredom from across the train car.

As the train approached the next station, the little man prepared to get off. I found myself looking at both men, first one, then the other, not quite present to the fact that I was doing that or why.

All of a sudden I had a thought: The man with the crutches was the luckiest guy on the train.

He was the luckiest guy on the train because he had the capacity to enjoy everything. He gained that capacity because in his predicament, he could never take anything for granted.

He could look at a great looking, healthy male and appreciate that man's health and looks.

He could appreciate his own financial well being because it made his life so much easier.

He could appreciate his friends because he knows they're true friends - they're not his "friend" because of how he looks or what he can do. They get to know the real person he is.

He had the gift of appreciation.

Of course, I know I made up this entire story in my head. I don't know if any of it is true or not. What I do know is that I'll never know.

And, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that I got something from it: that I have access to blessings in my life just by appreciating the blessings I already have: my health, my intelligence, my relationships and the world around me.

Being in their presence expanded my capacity to be appreciative.

One of my biggest sources of appreciation is Nature. Nature fascinates me.

My latest fascination with Nature these days are Trees. I can't stop asking myself, "How does God make trees? How did God even come up with the idea? Trees are so stationary, yet fully alive. They're so fundamentally different than Humans, Bats, Caterpillars, Whales and Mountains."

Thank God for Trees!

My fascination with Trees has temporarily overshadowed my fascination with Squirrels and Birds.

Squirrels and Birds remind me that God is alive and well and appears to be having a great time. They entertain and amaze me.

Squirrels fascinate me because they move so fast, can eat hanging upside down from a tree and copulate from start to finish before I can walk across a street!

Birds fascinate me because they can fly. They eat all day. They can sit still on a wire for hours. They live in Trees.

Fascinating.

It's been said, "Seek and Ye shall find, Ask and it is given, Knock and the door shall be opened unto you." I understand that to mean whatever we're looking for, we will find. If we're looking for what's wrong we'll find it. If we're looking for what's right we'll find that. If we look for Love and what's Loving, we'll find that too.

So, what are you looking for?

And, what do you keep finding?

One Fine Tuesday Morning

One fine Tuesday morning I woke up tempted to "play hookey" from work.

I went anyway.

I followed my morning routine to the letter: rode a Jersey City bus to the PATH train station and headed for Manhattan. I then got breakfast before going upstairs - a ham and cheese croissant and a vanilla cappuccino, light and sweet.

I got in an empty elevator and pushed the 15th floor button.

Just before the door closed a nice looking woman got on and pressed 14. We smiled at each other and then ignored each other, honoring the Elevator Etiquette Act of 1937.

She got off on 14. The door closed and the elevator rose towards 15.

All of a sudden, there was an explosive wind tunnel in the elevator shaft!

The elevator was swinging from side to side and I thought, "That's weird - it's not bumping up against anything. The walls must be moving - THAT'S NOT GOOD!"

Everything in me screamed, "GET ME OFF THIS ELEVATOR!"

The elevator doors opened on 15. When I stepped out, I saw all 6 elevator doors moving from the wind in their shafts.

At that point, I had some serious concerns. Concerns like, "What the heck was going on?" and "How the $#@% am I supposed to clean up the dust from the sheet rock in the middle of the office?"

I could tell I was the first one in but I still looked around - I could have been wrong.

I wasn't.

I was wondering what to do when I heard footsteps in a nearby staircase and thought, 'That's a good idea!"

So I went into a staircase on the 15th floor of 1 World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001 at about 8:50am.

The staircase was crowded and no one was moving; there were only 3 staircases servicing the entire 110 story building.

Of course, the builders couldn't have imagined what happened that day was even possible.

I still hadn't eaten my croissant and cappuccino so when I was instructed to go into the nearest re-entry floor, I sat on someone's desktop and annoyingly had my breakfast. As I was finishing, someone shouted, "Everything is OK - a plane hit the building."

We thought Cessna, not 747.

A few minutes later, another crash occurred and we knew it was time to get out.

It took another 40 minutes before I actually got to the street. As I was approaching Broadway and John Street I turned and then I saw....

The fires.

Until then, I didn't know the impact of what happened. Now I did.

The fires covered 10 flights or more and emitted a tremendous amount of thick black smoke. I knew firemen couldn't get to the fires because it was too high up; there's no "Cherry Picker" or hydrants with enough water pressure to put out fires 80 stories high.

I walked away trying to hide my tears because I knew people were dead in a fire of that magnitude that early in the morning.

As I walked uptown on Broadway past City Hall, I marveled at the clarity of the sky. It was a picture perfect day - not a cloud in the sky.

Other than planes crashing into the Towers, it was a beautiful day.

I visited friends who worked at 75 Varick Street near Canal Street. I needed a place to go because all mass transit stopped and I lived in New Jersey.

As we were talking, someone mentioned that it looked like one of the Towers wasn't there anymore.

That was not possible! They must be mistaken.

I had to check that out so I walked 5 blocks to the Westside Highway. I looked and sure enough, there was only 1 building standing.

Now I was devastated!

I walked back to Varick Street and noticed a strangeness in people's faces that wasn't there before I went to the Westside Highway. Something told me to turn and look - sure enough, the other building collapsed as well.

How could that be? I'd only walked for like 3 minutes!

Around 12 noon the police evacuated the entire area below 14th Street so I walked up Broadway towards a supervisor's home in Midtown. It was at least an hour walk but since no mass transit was running and no taxis available, I took the hike. .

As I approached Astor Place near 8th Street, a question ran across my mind: If what Napoleon Hill (The author of 'Think and Grow Rich') said was true when he stated, "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit.", then what is the benefit of this disaster?

I got my answer in about 15 minutes.

I walked past Beth Israel Hospital on 16th Street and 1st Avenue and saw a line circling the entire block to 17th Street and 2nd Avenue.

They were giving blood. Spontaneously.

The answer I got was despite the ugliness that just happened, People are Loving. Our first instinct is to help, to save, to make a difference and to care.

I believe the benefit from the Twin Towers disaster is that it brought Humanity closer together. We can't deny our interconnectedness. We're all in this boat together. Our economies, our environments, our health and well being, our communication, our technology, our lifestyles are all merging in such a way that the differences between us are shrinking even as our diversity becomes richer and more beautiful.

As our diversity flourishes and our similarity becomes more and more evident, people will begin to see themselves in others. It's already
happening sporadically.

I believe that in 100 years, people will be walking around experiencing Love at first sight. They'll understand they're seeing another person as
beautiful as they.

That's because Love was there the whole time.

Of course, that's just my opinion, but heck - do you have a better one?
..

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

Recently, I was a volunteer at a 3 day Men’s Empowerment course. The course is both conversational and experiential and is intended to introduce Mature Masculinity and Legacy to the participants.

The course delivers - men of all ages grew up last weekend.

Including me.

During one of the exercises, men were invited to share their past.

One man shared about being publicly rejected in a particularly painful manner.

As he shared his story, I became less and less able to hear him. I felt a deep, immediate sadness followed by uncontrollable crying. I couldn’t hold it back.

It took a moment to realize what I was crying about - but when I did, I was shocked.

I was crying over a conversation that happened 29 years ago.

The conversation occurred when I was hanging out with my high school sweetheart, her best friend and her boyfriend. During this particular conversation I said - in an assumptive, matter-of-fact manner, “So when we get married…”

She interrupted me by saying, “Oh, no - I’m not getting married anytime soon!”

WHAT???

I was crushed.

I just assumed we were getting married in a few years.

I looked at her and thought, “We’ve been inseparable for 3 years! We get along great! We love each other! We’ve never even had an argument! What else are we gonna do? If we ain’t getting married, what’s the point in being together?”

I didn’t realize “anytime soon” didn’t mean “never” until years later.

When she said that, I immediately went numb. It happened so quick, I didn’t even know I did that until hearing that man’s story.

We talked about it afterwards but I never recovered.

That conversation and the next 29 years instantly and completely flashed before my eyes while he shared.

I’ve often thought about that moment because - in retrospect - that was the end of the relationship. It took another 18 months for us to completely stop seeing each other but like the Titanic, it was over at the moment of impact.

Neither of us knew that at the time - especially me.

From that point on, I made sure that women were head over heels about me before I made a move because I wasn’t giving my heart over to someone and have it broken again.

Nope, nope, nope!

If I met someone I thought I COULD love, I wouldn’t let myself be caught dead in her vicinity and if she wasn’t working hard to get with me it was never going to happen.

I’ve shared this story with people in my life over the years. I was saddened by it but it was just another sad thing that happened to me. I didn’t feel the pain until he started talking.

It’s a good thing I felt the pain before I knew why I felt it. If the pain had not snuck up on me like that, it may have been buried for another 29 years. I certainly wasn’t looking for it or trying to work on it because again, I didn’t know it was there.

It was bad enough that I didn’t know how deeply that incident hurt me. What was worse was how that incident invisibly controlled my entire life.

I cried because I realized I’d never be happy unless I stopped believing I had to get rid of people before they got rid of me.

I cried because I realized I’d never be successful as long as I settled for less than my highest desires.

I cried because I realized how much I sold myself out to avoid pain - I’d rather be numb than hurt. In the process, I’d never really live - I’d die with my music in me, unplayed.

I don’t know if I ever would’ve released the pain I felt from that conversation if I didn’t give myself over in service to men committed to being the best they can be. I probably would’ve been doing whatever I was doing the last 29 years that kept this pain hidden from my view.

What I do know is that I now have one less obstacle in my way on the path to a life of Love, Success and Happiness.

It’s taken me a long time to Love myself. Some people never do. I know that if I didn’t Love myself I would never have the courage to risk again.

It’s been said that the higher the risk, the greater the reward.

Living scared is not really living.

There’s no Love in Fear.

The Color Blue

My favorite color is Blue. I don't know why - I just like it.

I wear Blue shirts as often as I can get away with it. This blog has lots of Blue in it. So does my newsletter. I'm just naturally pulled to Blue.

Fortunately, there's lots of Blue things around: the sky, water, cars, clothing - you get the point. So, I get to be happy all day long because I see my favorite color all day long.

There's an interesting thing about the color Blue beyond the fact that it's my favorite color - it's not any other color. Oh, it has various shades and tints like Navy Blue, Midnight Blue, Aqua Blue and Light Blue but the main thing is that it's always only Blue.

I don't like Red as much but it's the same thing. It's always only Red.

Now, you may have noticed that I'm always writing about Love because I'm committed to being Loving as a State of Mind and a Way of Life. That means no matter how I feel, I'm committed to being Loving with whomever I'm interacting with - even if they're not being Loving with me. I'm committed to Loving everything that happens to me - even things I don't particularly care for or want. I'm committed to Loving me - even when I screw up and want to beat myself up for it.

So what does one thing have to do with the other?

Well, Love is just like Blue - it's always only Love. If it's not Love then it's something else.

Put another way, we're never experiencing “not something” - we're experiencing something we probably don't like but it's NOT a “not”.

If we're feeling an absence of Love, we're actually feeling something other than Love. We're not actually feeling an absence of Love - we're feeling angry, sad, depressed, disappointed or something else, but it's not an absence of Love - we're experiencing the presence of something other than Love.

To be more precise, Love never disappears - it is what it is and there's no place for Love to go. However, it is entirely possible for some other quality to become more present based on our level of awareness in the moment.

If Love is always there, we can find it no mater how things look. We can look for something to Love about the people in our lives and remember that when we're not experiencing Love we're experiencing something else but Love is still totally available. All we have to do is look for it.

In relationships, not understanding this fact can produce lots of problems.

Actually, it already does. Allow me to explain.

We always get what we focus on - we're just not usually clear on what we're actually focusing on in the moment. For example, if we're focused on knowing whether we can trust someone or not, what method do we actually use? Do we look at their actions? Do we look at their past? Do we compare how they're being in relationship to the people and experiences of our past? If we're doing this, are we looking for reasons to trust them or are we looking for reasons to prevent untrustworthy people from being in our life?

If we're looking to prevent untrustworthy people from entering and negatively affecting our lives, is that the same thing as looking for Love? Is that the same thing as seeing Love wherever you look?

Hmmm....

If we always get what we're looking for then we'd have a problem because what we'd be looking for in that situation is someone to avoid. The problem: we'd have to find them in order to avoid them. We'd have to place them somewhere in our life so we could avoid them. That puts them in our life.

Yep - the very thing we don't want.

That's because Distrust is as much a State of Mind and a Way of Life as Love is. Distrust is as everywhere as Love is or Blue is.

Going back to the color Blue, here's another interesting thing I've noticed: anything and everything can be Blue. No matter what form Blue comes in, it's always Blue. Blue cars, homes, clothing - the common denominator is Blue. The same with Love or Distrust - we'll never run out of ways to express or experience them.

I'm happy about this because that means I can experience Love in any and every way possible. Heck - I can even Love people, if I want to. I find it quite enjoyable, personally.

I can Love people who do not Love me, who treat me poorly, who give me a hard time - I don't even need to know who they are to Love them.

That's because Love just IS.

One last thing: we're never running out of Love any more than we're going to run out of Blue. It's never going to disappear. We may choose to experience some other way of being like fear, anger, distrust or guilt but Love will be waiting for us when we're ready. All we have to do is look for it.

Just like all the Blue cars we'd immediately notice after we bought our new Blue car, Love will be all around us like it's been there the whole time.

Because it has.

The Context is Decisive

"It's not what you look like, when you're doin' what you doin'
It's what you're doin',
when you're doin', what you look like you're doin'
Express Yourself!"

Lyrics from the 1970 R&B Hit, "Express Yourself " by Charles Wright and the 103rd Street Band

A few years ago I worked as a Facilities Manager for an international corporation. The job was very difficult for me, mainly because I was the sloppiest, most disorganized person I knew - by a lot!

Since I didn't know what I was doing it was no surprise my supervisor was constantly upset with me, I was tired and people complained about the place all the doggone time. I was beating myself up and making everything and everyone wrong all at the same time.

Other than that, everything was great.

One Friday night my supervisor called me over to one of our 3 kitchen areas and said, "Get in that @#%${&* kitchen and don't come out until you know I won't be able to find anything wrong!"

Well! Hmmmff!! Who does she think she is, talking to me like that?

Of course, I didn't say any of that to her.

I took it on the chin because I trusted her. She was a great trainer and manager, she was as compassionate as she could be with me and her patience was much deeper and stronger than was mine. So I did as I was told.

Around 8pm, I began by washing dishes, which was stacked 2 feet above the rim of the sink. (disgusting!)

As I washed them, I noticed the drainer was getting full from the dishes I just washed so I put those dishes in the cabinets. Then I noticed the cabinets were overflowing and totally disorganized so I began rearranging the dishes in the cabinets. As I rearranged the dishes I noticed there were too many dishes in that cabinet so I began moving the dishes to another kitchen. Then, I began thinking it may be a good idea to match dishes and glassware. Then I noticed the flatware drawer was just as disorganized so I did the same thing with that. Then I noticed, then I noticed, then I noticed.....

After I washed the walls, placed the pens and pencils in one drawer and the menus in another and all the other stuff I now forgot I did, I finally finished cleaning that kitchen at 2am.

It took 6 hours to clean and organize a 8'x8' space!

During that time, something happened to me: I learned that I liked things clean and organized more than I hate doing the work to make it that way. I found that if I don't like doing something but I want the result, all I have to do is think about the result as I do it and the process that gets me my result becomes easier and can even be a joy because of the anxiously awaited outcome that's on the way.

To me, that means if I'm in a difficult situation with someone and I don't like what's happening, I can think about what I want to happen, be patient and loving with them (and myself) long enough and allow the Law of Attraction to create what I'm focusing on: creating a Loving interaction.

Or more.

I understood - for the first time - the phrase, "The Context is Decisive" because as soon as I shifted my attention, the chore became a joy. It became all about how can I do this better. I stopped complaining. I became generous by looking for how what I did would benefit others. I even thought that a sparkling environment would help people be in a better mood because they'd take on the characteristics of the kitchen - like how walking into a peaceful space helps us feel peaceful.

I saw that I could Love the process as well as the outcome of anything I choose.

I saw that Life is a series of processes and if I'm only looking for the end result I miss most of Life and by the time I get the outcome, it's already in the past.

In fact, the outcome is only as great as the process that led to it. We've all had results we've wanted and felt like, "Is that all there is to it?"

Now, all there is for me to do is to inspect myself around my context for doing anything.

If I can enjoy the process and enjoy the result, all I experience is enjoyment. That places me in complete control of my life, my relationships and my entire world.

I Love that!