Working Man

My first marriage lasted 8 years. Even before we were married, the relationship was filled with angry upsets and unfulfilled expectations occasionally interrupted by brief moments of magic.

I’m sure my ex-wife would agree.

Those angry upsets and unfulfilled expectations most often came from me.

I had no idea how to be a successful husband, that’s for sure. The thought, “being a successful husband” never entered my mind. All I knew was “Happily Ever After….”

Anyway, I thought if I did my part, everything would work out fine. So I worked 2 jobs for 4 years and a 3rd job for an additional 18 months. However, I didn’t consider her happiness at all. I thought, “What’s your problem? I’m busting my a$$et$ 6 days a week for this family, I bring in all the money, I hardly get any sleep - don’t bother me! I’m WORKING MAN!”

That was disgusting.

I used work as a shield and a weapon to protect myself from blame and have a place to hide when things got too uncomfortable at home. Plus, I used our arguments as gossip to make myself look good at work; people who knew I was working hard (and I was) gave me sympathy. I’d be a martyr and feel righteous in blaming her for why the marriage sucked.

I set myself up as the good guy and she saw right through that. She wasn’t happy.

Fortunately, there was one area in our relationship that worked really well: Parenthood.

We never had arguments about how to take care of our children the entire marriage. What to teach them, how to discipline them, what they eat - we experienced Oneness as Parents.

Our rule was: We are the Parents. We Are in Charge. We Are United. You Cannot Separate Us - Ever!

Or something like that.

It’s amazing. The few times we disagreed, we’d have a meeting, clear it up and go back to being a united front. We had fun, the kids had fun - it was fun.

I LOVED being Dad.

I thought that was the only place we were happy.

Until recently.

Recently, I remembered another area that worked well for us: Holidays.

We loved having guests for the holidays so we insisted on having Christmas, Easter, 4^th of July and any celebration or family gathering at our place. For me, I liked being the host and hated traveling. For her, I think she liked making everyone happy and showing how good she was at doing it - especially my mom. They were, as Forrest Gump said, “Like Peas and Carrots.”

Many holidays, our house was filled with family, the smell of food, kids being themselves, laughter and Love. We enjoyed putting together the events. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’d help in the kitchen as the “Hand Me That” guy, while I told jokes and funny stories and gave myself permission to get a little drunk. On Christmas, I was the Chief Gift Wrapper, Chief Gift “Hander-Outer” and Chief Trash Talker.

All that was FUN! No run-ins, fits or terrors.

I thought the events was what caused the harmony. I didn’t realize working together was the real reason.

We had the most joy when we worked together to create something. We put aside our disagreements and upsets long enough to create awesome moments, then made the mistake of going back to our upsets and unfulfilled expectations.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wondered what happened to “Happily Ever After….?”. I wouldn’t have wondered why she was unhappy all the time. I wouldn’t have been looking for her to make me happy.

I would’ve looked at the relationship in the best interests of the relationship for the benefit of the relationship and in the process, created an amazing relationship.

During that time I worked 2 and 3 jobs to take care of us all. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve given myself another job: working with her on something amazing for the sake of the relationship.

So I leave you with a series of questions:

Do you know what works about your relationships?

What are your relationships asking of you in order for it to be amazing?

Are you willing to find out?

Are you willing to do something about it?

How much Love are you willing to have?