Finding Self Worth

When I was 5, my Mom and Dad split up. Of course, I didn’t know anything but I figured everything was OK because up until then everything WAS OK. I was deeply Loved, I had a great time every day, everybody thought I was cute; I was “TONY!!”

C’mon - NOBODY DIDN’T LOVE TONY!!

Please!

Mom took me and my sister to Miss Ivy, the neighborhood babysitter. Miss Ivy had 2 kids of her own plus 4 others living there.

We raised that total to 8.

Since Mom was smiling and laughing with Miss Ivy, I figured everything was great because, well, everything WAS great. I had no reason to think otherwise.

Mom had to leave. So she kissed and hugged us and then, Mom left.

Later that evening, Miss Ivy was sitting with her 5 month old, Alice. Alice was so cute! I walked over and started making faces, trying to touch her and whatever kids do when they see babies.

Miss Ivy was not amused. She told me to stop.

I didn’t stop. I thought, “I’m “TONY!!” My Mom wouldn’t make me stop playing with a baby. It’s a baby, for crying out loud! Wuzzup with dat?”

Miss Ivy had a different thought.

She put Alice down, got a belt and tore my asset up!

Dag - I wasn’t there more than 2 hours!

The “disrespect” hurt more than the butt whipping.

Apparently, I was on alien turf. It wasn’t safe - at all. I went from being the oldest child to the youngest male in a house with no protector or mentor.

For 3 years we were subjected to sudden outbursts of abuse - Miss Ivy whipped butt every single day and the older kids picked on me mainly because I wore really thick glasses (I’ve worn contact lenses since 1980) and I was too small to protect myself. I was called Four Eyes, Mr. McGoo, Cyclops and every blind joke imaginable.

That type of treatment usually doesn’t build self confidence.

School was just as bad. If you wore glasses in school you know exactly what I mean.

Fortunately, in my late teens I discovered that, with a 32” waist and no more glasses, women liked me - a lot.

Hmmmm.

Well, OK - since I’m not the type of guy who likes letting people down, I thought that if a member of the opposite sex liked me, she deserved every opportunity to do something about it.

And, if I “Feel Good” in the process, so much the better!

I wanted to feel like “TONY!!” again after experiencing Miss Ivy’s house. I wanted something to “Make Me Feel Good”. Some people turn to drugs, some turn to food, some turn to money and some turn to power.

I turned to the opposite sex.

If they liked me - or, God Forbid, they “Loved” me, that “Made Me Feel Good” - even if I didn’t feel the same way about them.

I’d feel like “TONY!!” again - briefly.

I partied like a STAR 3 weekends a month for 7 years - finances permitting. Each weekend offered temporary relief from feeling like a loner and a loser.

During that time, I did some really messed up things to “Make Me Feel Good”. I cheated, lied, was selfish and shortsighted in dealing with women, settled for unsatisfying relationships and sold myself out just to “Feel Good”.

It took me 7 years to see that didn’t work.

When I finally got married, I had no idea what it took to make it work.

I was a terrible husband. She never had a chance.

I worked hard - I had 2 and 3 jobs and did what was needed. But I was not kind, considerate, generous or Loving with my ex-wife. I was too hurt from previous experiences to be there for her.

I take full responsibility for the results of that marriage.

Making friends, having lots of girlfriends, getting married - none of that “Made Me Feel Good” for long.

My transformation began when I got involved in network marketing. Because of their emphasis on Personal Development, I began taking a more holistic view of my life. I learned so many things I began looking for what I didn’t know I didn’t know.

I began taking seminars with various educational organizations.

After taking classes at one of these organizations, I got a job with them.

While there, I began noticing many dating opportunities.

My coworkers noticed, also. I began receiving etiquette advice regarding my conduct - I began noticing how much of a “loose cannon” I was.

But I wanted them all to “Make Me Feel Good”.

Dag!

From those conversations I realized 2 things: 1) I’m easy to get along with but hard to satisfy and 2) I was selling out my Higher Purpose for “Make Me Feel Good”.

One day, a friend asked what was I going to do with a woman we both knew. I heard myself say, “She’s nice but I need to be responsible regarding who I spend time with because I’m worth it.”

Huh?

Who said that?

I was stunned! I didn’t see that one coming. But it was totally true.

In that moment I got that no one could feed my need to “Feel Good”. The need couldn’t be satisfied from outside - it could only come from me. I couldn’t even receive Love unless I Loved myself first.

I thought about all the people I hurt with my “Make Me Feel Good” mentality. I grieved privately, forgave myself and began living up to the standards I’ve always had but was too desperate and doubtful to trust would bring me my hearts’ desires.

It’s true what they say - If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

The moment I got that I’m worth whatever I want, my desperation to pursue relationships disappeared. I didn’t have to fill the silence with words or activities. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

I invite you to complete your Self Worth journey.

It’s worth it.